The Motherhood Chronicles: Judgement Day

People can be pretty judgemental.  No new news, right?

I myself have had people stare, whisper to one another, pass remarks loud enough for everyone else to hear, and nudge each other and nod in my direction waiting for me to put enough distance between us to be able to safely comment about whatever it is that struck their fancy - or failed to.  I can understand that it is only to be expected to no longer go by unnoticed when you're visibly modified, and/or have brightly coloured hair, or hair that is partially or completely shaved.  However, it does not justify rude behaviour.

I have had friends of mine over the years feel uncomfortable, thinking there was something wrong with them until they realised that the stares and comments were aimed at me.  This happened mostly when I would be in the company of someone i don't get to hang out with that often.

Being judgemental about people who look different than you do is a very nasty vicious cycle that can easily be broken, if only you take some time to actually ask questions whenever you don't understand the mechanics behind the differences.  "Did that hurt?" is a very annoying and stupid question to ask, but it is preferable to rude behaviour.

Having said that, I thoroughly enjoy getting the stares from young children.  They tend to have this amazed wide-eyed expression on their faces, and are not afraid to ask questions.  One time, I was at the supermarket with my brother, and this young child - no older than 5 years of age - kept walking past me - either trailing behind, or running ahead of the parents - and staring in a somewhat perplexed but fascinated manner.  Every time I caught the wide-eyed stares, I smiled or waved at the child.  Finally, the parents and their child walked past me at the same time, and I heard this young child ask "Mum, why is that lady dressed like a witch?"  It made my day and muttered under my breath "Because I am," and kept walking.  Apparently, to this child, a long black skirt, a black top, and a black fedora hat are what witches wear.

Another time, a child asked her mum why my hair was pink.  The mum seemed to be embarrassed by her daughter's question and hushed her.  I would have rather the mum answered the question, or told her daughter to ask me directly.

Children are extremely inquisitive, and I firmly believe that this characteristic should be encouraged.  Why should a child not be allowed to question things?  Do we sincerely live in a society where we have been brainwashed to the extent of us training our children to bow their head and go 'Yes sir' to whatever they are told without ever questioning the whys and hows and whats and whens?

I mentioned already that I'm a modified individual.  To some of you, this might sound odd, so I shall explain what I mean by it.  I have a passion for all things [or nearly all things, anyway] related to Body Modification - which is basically the term that describes a number of temporary and permanent adornments applied to the human body.  Examples include, Piercings, Tattoos, Subdermal & Transdermal Implants, Suspensions and Flesh Pulls.  It is in fact to this passion of mine that I owe my opportunity to become a parent, since I got to know the ex on BodyMod.org - an online community which is a place I call home.  I have met many extraordinary people via this community, and have flown out to meet them on numerous occasions.

It was during such a travelling experience that I had the pleasure of getting to know two of the most awesome children ever.  I was staying at my friends' house during my visit in the states, and their 3 year old son, as well as 8 year old daughter, were around most of the time.  They have been brought up in an environment where different is the norm.  This does not mean that they accept everything without question though.  During a conversation with the 8 year old girl, she was busy 'tattooing' me - which meant, she was colouring in my existing tattoos with her glittery pens. At one point, she asked me "Why do the tattoos I make wash off, and the ones my dad makes stay? Like the ones you have. How come they don't wash off?"  As you might understand from her questioning, her father is a Body Modification artist.  I tried my best to explain to her the difference between drawing on the skin, and drawing under the first few layers of the skin.  She seemed happy with my explanation.

I am a firm believer that children should be told the truth - without sugar coating anything.  Yes, you can skim over certain details which they won't understand, and use simpler terms [if your vocabulary allows you to] - which I sometimes struggle with simply because I like big words and tend to use them on a daily basis - however it is important to stick to the facts.

There is one thing I do not understand though.  Why is it that people expect you to change drastically the moment you tell them you're about to become a mother?  It is almost as if you're expected to scrap your individuality - you know, the one you spent all your life building? - and fit in the Mummy Model.  You're almost expected to become a Stepford Wife.  Screw that.

I got lectured by my doctor one time about how he thinks I should take out all of my piercings and start anew, now that I'm about to become a mother.  I won't say he's a jackass, because he isn't.  I truly believe he said that out of genuine concern and because he cares.  However, I strongly disagree with him, and I told him so.  My mother also seemed to expect me to tone it down and go for natural coloured hair, and to grow out my mohawk.

I may be a mother, however I still respond to Rosalind.  Mum is just another aspect of me.  It isn't who I am - it merely is part of who I am.

I got thinking about all this not because of any recent incidents, but because I observe other pregnant women and the way they dress.  Some go for the Mummy Model, and you can tell they're happy with it.  Others are evidently uncomfortable in that format, and yet they still do it to conform to what society in general expects from them.  Others still remain true to themselves and don't change much from their pre-pregnancy days, other than being somewhat a bit more practical in their choices by perhaps switching low-cut jeans to jeans that are more adequate for their new body shape.

There are those though, whom I cannot figure out.  Extremely high heels, hot pants that are barely distinguishable from underwear, Crop tops - you name it.  I cannot imagine for the life of me what possesses people to wear those clothes beyond the early teens, let alone for anyone to wear them whilst pregnant.  Fine, that might be what is comfortable for them to wear - however I personally don't see how high heels are safe - especially when pregnant since if you fall, chances are you'll not only hurt yourself, but Baby as well.  Re: too much skin being exposed, I just find it inappropriate anywhere other than the beach.

To finish off, I'll say one thing I found out through experience when it comes to pregnancy and clothing- maternity clothing is overpriced and overrated.  Thanks to my tendency to yo-yo in weight, I ended up having enough clothes of my own to fit me properly from beginning til now and have not had to buy any maternity wear.  What this means is - have a look around the normal shops before you go for maternity wear.  Drawstring pants and skirts will become your friends, as will loose fitting long tops.  Skirts and trousers that have that t-shirty waistband thing going on will also become your friends. 

And then the witch doctor he gave me this advice

The moment you first decide that you want to be a parent [if planned] - or the moment you first find out you're pregnant [if unplanned] - is the moment when you no longer associate doctors with feeling sickly.

Whereas prior to parenthood, you'd only visit a doctor if something is wrong with you, you now end up making your doctor's clinic a second home.  Some might even end up with their doctor's and/or midwife's personal telephone number saved on speed dial!


When I discovered I was pregnant, I had a very short period of time to find me a doctor since I was only a few days away from going abroad for about a month.  I tried to get an appointment with a few different doctors recommended by family and/or friends, but at the end, I managed to get an appointment sorted with a doctor who happened  to be a family friend - and highly recommended by quite a few people.

The more time went by, the more apparent it started to become that soon I will no longer be the patient.  The focus will be shifting on Creature the moment s/he is born.  This could only mean one thing - it was time to start looking for a Paediatrician - a good one - preferably one whose office is close to where I live.

Where to begin, though?

First off, I had to start asking around.  

Well, you can ask your obstetrician or midwife for recommendations. Hospitals, insurance companies, and medical schools also provide referrals to doctors.  Friends, family, neighbours, co-workers - they're all good points of reference.  If there are any pharmacies in your area, you can ask them too - especially since quite a lot of pharmacies tend to have a clinic attached to them.


Not having had to deal with this sort of situation beforehand, I had no idea what to look out for when trying to choose a paediatrician.  I came across various hints & tips online.  The following questions can do the trick if the paediatrician happens to be recommended by someone else:

• How does your child respond to the doctor?
• Does the doctor seem to enjoy working with children?
• Does the doctor seem to know about the latest medical advances?
• Does the doctor welcome questions?
• Does the doctor take time to discuss problems and listen to your concerns?
• If it's a group practise, do you know and like the other doctors?
• Is the office staff patient and helpful?
• How long do you usually have to wait?
• Is the waiting room pleasant and kid-friendly?
• Is parking plentiful and convenient?
• Is there anything you don't like or wish was different about your child's doctor or her practise?

On the other hand, if you go for a more direct approach, you can try and arrange a meeting with the paediatrician that you'd have found.  In which case, you may wish to prepare a few questions to ask in advance.  Here are some hints & tips on what to ask:

• Which clinics is the doctor affiliated with?
• Do the doctor's hours suit your schedule? You might prefer one who works certain days of the week or who offers evening or Saturday-morning hours.
• Does your doctor do house-calls?
• How does the office handle telephone enquiries? Does it set aside specific times for parents to call in with questions or is there an open advice line during office hours? And if staff members handle the enquiries, do they dispense their own advice or relay the doctor's?
• Does the doctor accept and answer questions by email?
• How long does it take to get a non-emergency appointment with the doctor?
• If there is more than one paediatrician at the clinic, how are appointments handled for children who are sick? Is there good chance your child will get to see his own doctor?
• Are there separate well-baby and sick-baby waiting rooms?
• Is the staff warm and helpful?
• How do you reach the doctor if your child gets sick after hours? When your doctor is not on call, who covers?
• Does the doctor have a subspecialty or an area of interest?
• Do you and the doctor have similar views on topics such as circumcision, breastfeeding, immunisations, alternative medicine, and parenting issues such as attachment parenting, co-sleeping, single parenthood, and daycare? If not, is the doctor open to — and supportive of — other opinions and approaches?
• Pay attention to such intangibles as the doctor's style. Do you want a doctor who offers choices and lets you decide which one works best for you — or would you be more comfortable with one who gives a lot of direction?
• Take note of the overall atmosphere of the office. Is it clean, warm, and inviting?
• If you drive, was parking a problem? If you don't, how easy is it to get to the doc's?

If you choose a doctor, but eventually you end up being unhappy with the service you receive, don't hesitate to discuss it with him/her, and if need be, switch to another doctor.

If you want to read further, you can clicky here for 7 signs of a good doctor, and here for 7 signs of a bad doctor.

To make your life easier, once you have actually selected a doctor you'd like to meet in person, go over this check list before you head off for your first appointment.  Following the first meeting with your child's doctor, you can then refer to this check list that will help you understand better what to expect, and help you find the right questions to ask, and things to look out for, throughout the following appointments over the next three years.

At the end of the day, the most important thing of them all is this - follow your gut instinct.  If you feel something is wrong, but the doctor says everything is ok

Who's your daddy?

Usually in my blogs, I tend to share information.  Today, I'm asking for information.

I was brought up within the traditional family model - mother, father, siblings, and a dog.  That family model nowadays is becoming more and more uncommon.  You have single parents, no parents whatsoever, two mums, two dads, step-parents etc etc.  Previously these different Family Models were pretty uncommon.  For a parent to be a single parent, usually they'd need to be widowed back then.

I now find myself facing single parenthood myself.  I can't help but think, "How will I explain to Creature why other children have two parents, and s/he doesn't?" or "How will I manage to deal with things such as Father's Day, or compositions given at school entitled "My Father"?"  What about the real possibility of bullying?  There are so many questions to which I don't yet have an answer! I know that I cannot have an answer for everything - and yet, it doesn't stop me from trying.

I know these things are a few years away, however the reality of the situation is as it is, and the sooner I come up with a vague outline of a plan, the better. 

So - what can you lot tell me? Any advice? Besides from not stressing out, that is - I appreciate it, but your telling me not to stress out won't make a difference.