Winds of change

Knock knock!

Anyone home?

Sorry guys, I know I promised I'd update before the weekend was over, and I haven't.


I've had complaints for not blogging lately - my sincere apologies! Life got in the way.

Since too many days have gone by, I'm unable to do a day-by-day breakdown at this point in time since things are a bit hazy.

All you lot need to know is this:

Following the blog were I left off with saying I was going to go out in the evening, and red shoes had been unexpectedly acquired, things have changed. A LOT.

Guess who's in a relationship?

Yep.

This Mama here has found herself a Homo Sapiens Specimen willing to put up with her insane ramblings and silliness and constant worries about Morgan.  Said HSS has already made an appearance in past blogs under the guise of a very good friend - namely in my entry about how a friend took ~Morgan and myself to hospital for her Chromosome count, or the one where a friend of mine was discussing Asperger's and Autism with me.  This HSS here has been there for me from day 1 of my knowing him - which was whilst I was still 6-ish months pregnant.  He was the one to take the trouble to install Linux on a pc, set up an FTP server on it, upload all of his music, and link me to it just so that I could download a handful of tunes to my phone whilst in hospital awaiting Morgan's birth to happen.

We talk a lot - and he knows Morgan will forever be my number one priority - and he is fine with that [as it should be].  He is also aware that after having been screwed over in the past, I need to take things slow - and he is fine with that too.  In a way, I feel as if I'm dating for the first time ever.

I have no idea how I'll juggle Work, Parenthood and Dating once I'm back to work to be honest - I'll figure it out somehow.  Surely I am not the first person to have to strike such a balance!

Oh, and HSS has also decided I need to learn how to drive.  So far, we've survived the first lesson in one piece.  If everything goes well, in about a year's time I might be officially a Menace Behind The Wheel and one of them Infamous Female Drivers.  Hopefully, with better skills than most.  And eventually, with a VW Beetle to call my own.

So - an incident where I screwed up royally last week:

I took the garbage out, and for once I forgot my phone and key inside.  BAM! The door slammed shut - locking me OUT and Morgan IN.  PANIC!

I rushed up and down the stairs leading to my upstairs neighbours' house twice in a frenzy trying to figure out what the hell I was meant to do.  A guy owning a garage across the street saw me panic and came over to ask what's up.  I told him I had been locked out and my daughter was inside.  He lent me his phone whereby I called my bro, asked him to log into my Facebook account and look for someone who knew my friend Rose's number as she had my spare key due to having been over at my house for a few days that week.  Eventually, he managed, and agreed to go pick up the key from her workplace.  Luckily I had already made plans with my bro's fiancee to come over for lunch - meaning she got here after about 15 minutes of my having been locked out, and she kept me company.

It took some hour or so until my bro, my mum, Rose and her son showed up - way more panicked than me - with my key.  The moment I opened the door I rushed to the kitchen where I found Morgan sitting quietly in her Rocker, waiting for me.

Yo! [4th May 2012]

As you can see in the above pic, Morgan is finally big enough to wear the Batman long sleeved top that my  friends Andy and Kyrie had sent her! She's now wearing 3-6month sized clothes, and they fit her like a glove.  Having said that, she's wearing just her onesies most of the time as the weather is starting to get too warm.

Oh, and last week, Morgan got given the cutest outfit ever that belonged to another Fae child called Faith.  Here's a couple of pics:

My Morgan The Fae with Rose :) 29th April 2012

My Ginger Faerie :) 29th April 2012

Oh, and just in case you were wondering about HSS - here is pictoral evidence of his existence:

I admit, part of the reason I was not blogging is that I originally created this blog as a place to vent whatever was on my mind.  Since he reads the blog, I wasn't about to post my internal conflict as to whether I'm better off preserving the friendship or attempt taking it a step further.  I'd have needed to keep it generic which would have probably proved to have adverse effects on it all.

My internal conflict consisted of the following - is it too early to date?  On the one hand, I've been dumped back in September by Morgan's sperm donor.  That's about 9 months ago more or less.  On the other hand. she is just 3 and a half months old.  Being a Single Parent is confusing, I must say.

I've met a lot of raised eyebrows - some people seem to think I'm a bad mum for wanting to give it a shot with someone who seems genuine.  They seem to think I ought to lock myself up and throw away the key and just be a 24/7 mum and nothing more.  It also seems to be beyond their comprehension how on Earth I can have a Date Night once a week, and still be a good mother.   I've also had people coming close to calling me a whore and accusing me of dating this guy and that guy.

Honestly? Fuck the whole lot of judgemental pricks.

Once you stop being shocked, read on, and you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Being a Single Parent means you don't have the luxury of having a partner to walk life's journey with you.  It means walking down the street pushing the pram/pushchair on your own whilst seeing other families walk by.  You get used to it, but it never stops hurting.  It also means that you have to do ALL of the parenting on your own without being able to vent about the rough patches to someone who'd know exactly what you're going on about.  Yes, there are friends.  But friends and a partner are not one and the same thing support-wise.

Yes, I'm also going to go there and point to the Elephant In The Room by mentioning that albeit it might suffer a lot, non-Single Parents also have the luxury of having a sex lfie, and a cuddle buddy.  Single Parents don't.


I fail to see how wanting to have someone in your life makes you a bad person.  Yes, you need to keep your priorities straight and you do need to be careful who you let in as they'll be part of your and your child's life.  You need to hone your communication skills and tell things exactly as they are to ensure you're all on the same page at any given point in time.

To conclude, I'll leave you with this:

I'm happy, Morgan's happy, We're all happy.  That is all that matters.

The Birds, The Bees, and The Person touching you inappropriately.

This entry will be taking us back to the very beginning of the whole deal - the reason behind this whole blog.

I got together with a friend of mine recently - and had to plan in advance how to tackle the Baby subject with her 6 year old son.  He knew I am pregnant and that it means that a baby is on his/her way, but my friend asked me not to mention that Baby is 'inside my abdominal cavity.  The reason behind it is so as not to 'traumatise him' due to a story someone had told her son about him living in his mum's belly and the doctors having had to cut her open in order for him to live.  That seemed to scare the living shit out of him.

When I asked her what story I should stick to, she said to go for the Stork, even though he has been told that a certain young girl of his acquaintance was purchased from Pavi Supermarket.  Being fat was to be used as a justification for my belly. 

When he asked, I said I ordered Creature online and was waiting for the delivery now.  He gave me a look of disbelief as if to say "You're pulling my leg, aren't you?" and he then asked if I'm married, and claimed only married people have babies.  My friend [his mum] corrected him, and pointed out she isn't married either.  He said "Yes you are. To me."

This got me thinking - When is it "too young" to explain the whole "Where do babies come from?" thing?  Should the topic be solely limited to baby-making?  Another thing that made me think was this article.

I came across the article yesterday on a different newspaper, and it makes me worried to think that so many parents hesitate to discuss the topic of Sex with their children because they think they are "too young and innocent" and expect them to learn all about it in school. 

I have spoken to a few friends of mine to discover how Sex Ed is tackled in schools nowadays since nothing came up when I tried googling about it.  I left school 10 years ago, so I figured things must have changed, surely? My bad. Apparently, they are still a complete and utter disaster.

Sex Ed is not approached as a topic before the child is in Secondary school it seems - [that'd be from age 12 upwards].  Every school seems to vary from the next, but what I've been told so far was this: do not rely on schools to teach your child about sex, contraception and STIs.  A friend of mine who had finished school not too long ago mentioned to me that students who studied Biology had an advantage over the rest as that is pretty much the only exposure they had regarding reproduction and contraception.  Sex Ed itself seemed to have consisted only of a slide show of gross images of warts and whatnot in an attempt to scare the students into abstinence.  And the fact that during Religion lessons, condoms were deemed to be evil doesn't help either.


Another friend of mine said that her 12 year old nephew only knows that the penis has to go in a vagina in order for babies to be created.  That was pretty much it.

It looks like it doesn't even depend on the school itself - it depends on the teacher's methods and willingness to approach the topic.

Raising sexual awareness from a young age should be standard procedure in my opinion.  Within the article I posted a link to earlier, the boy involved was just a year older than my friend's son.  Had the boy been made aware that it is wrong for someone - especially an adult - to touch their private parts and engage in activities involving intimacy, then perhaps things would have turned out differently, and a disturbed man caught earlier.



I have no idea how I'm going to tackle the topic when the time comes.  What I do know is that there is no such thing as too young.  I say this all the time -  Knowledge is power. Empower your children - make them aware that their penis/vagina is not just there for them to pee from and that until they are older, peeing should be the only reason they use it for.  Don't shove down their throat a plethora of lies and misinformation.

By approaching the subject from a simple awareness perspective at a young age, once puberty hits, the child is more likely to approach you for information as to what is going on.  Now, puberty is not something restricted to the teenage years.  Hell, I got my menstruation when I was 9 years old! Fair enough, it was still early for any sexual feelings to be involved - but that did not mean I could not get pregnant. 

Think of it this way - you do your best to educate your child and to select what information is given when, how, where, by whom and in what fashion.  Would you rather your child gets correct information from yourself, or be led to believe all sorts of nonsense by his/her peers, or even worse, his/her teacher[s]?

As awkward a subject as it may be - it is part of life.  A child needs to know. The earlier you start explaining the facts, the better.  Make it simple enough for a young mind to grasp the sense behind it, but stick to facts.  You'll be safeguarding your child's well-being AND innocence in that manner.

Ignorance is bliss, right? WRONG.

In a previous blog, I have expressed my views on educating oneself on different medical conditions that may affect you, your child, or someone else's child.  Today though I'd like to bring your attention to something which is way more common.

I lost count of how many people I know who happen to be, have a child, a sibling, a relative or a friend who is Autistic.  It is an extremely common issue nowadays.  I won't pretend that I understand what Autism is all about - because I don't.  No autistic person is the same as the next, and the Autism Spectrum includes so many different disorders that you would have to be a professional who studied intensively about the topic to even begin to comprehend it all.

What I do know though is that the earlier a child is diagnosed, the better chances s/he has of getting the assistance s/he needs to have as average a life as possible.  The best people to pick up signals that a child might be autistic are those who spend a lot of time regularly with him/her such as yourself, and anyone who might babysit your child regularly.

With this in mind, I spoke to a good friend of mine who is way more knowledgeable about the  topic due to it affecting her sibling.  She has provided me with some awesome links to check out, which I'll share with you:

A good site for basic info: http://www.autismspeaks.org/
A good website for researchy stuff http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/mindinstitute/research/

A good website especially for books http://fhautism.com/

Autistic individuals can range from a variety of Functional levels to a vast variety of limited functionality or non-functionality.  I firmly believe that one should know what sort of tell-tale signs to look out for, as certain things may easily be overlooked as just being "quirks", so to speak.

Whilst discussing this with my friend, she told me that at first, her mother thought that her sibling was deaf as loud noises - such as a door slamming - never startled her.Back in the day, this non-reaction meant nothing.  Nowadays, it is one of the most common tell-tale signs.

I will attempt to create a list of signs one should look out for - however please keep in mind that I'm no specialist, and most likely neither are you - so if you recognise some of these signs in anyone you might know, refer to a pro who will be able to issue a diagnosis.

Tell-tale signs
A child may display signs of Autism as early as 1 year of age. In clinical terms, there are a few “absolute indicators,” also known as “red flags,” which indicate that a child should be evaluated. For a parent, these are the “red flags” that your child should be screened to ensure that s/he is on the right developmental path. If your baby shows any of these signs, please ask your paediatrician or family practitioner for an immediate evaluation: 

 

• No big smiles or other warm, joyful expressions by six months or thereafter
• No back-and-forth sharing of sounds, smiles, or other facial expressions by nine months or thereafter
• No babbling by 12 months
• No back-and-forth gestures, such as pointing, showing, reaching, or waving by 12 months
• No words by 16 months
• No two-word meaningful phrases (without imitating or repeating) by 24 months
• Any loss of speech or babbling or social skills at any age

Here you'll find a list of milestones that are expected from a child to reach which would indicate a normal development. If there is cause for concern that these milestones are not being reached when they should do, please refer to your paediatrician.

Besides from the tell-tale signs listed above, there are also other signs one can look out for.

• Limited social interaction [where the child may appear to be "a loner"]
• A tendency of repetitive behaviour such as an extreme fondness of stacking or repetitive motions [not far off from what OCD might look like]
• A very keen interest shown only in a limited amount of topics
• No standard reactions to loud noises

One of my closest friends was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome - which is one kind of Autism.  Had he not told me himself about the diagnosis, I would have never guessed it myself.  He is a fully-functional adult with what I would call a few "quirks" that make him so awesome.  I myself always having been somewhat anti-social would have thought nothing of this trait in him and just assumed he too doesn't like being around people most of the time.  In truth, he likes being around people but cannot cope with big groups - so as much as he likes to attend a good concert, the crowd might easily become overwhelming to him and he'd have to return back home.

This is pretty much the reason why I feel it is extremely important to educate oneself.  Though certain disorders that make up the Autism Spectrum allow the individual to be functional within modern day society, albeit with some minor limitations, it will still be tough to establish a relationship where there is mutual understanding between a Parent and a Child if the disorder goes by undiagnosed.  The parent[s] might easily think their child is just being awkward - a "problem child", so to speak - whereas in truth, the child would just be a regular Autistic child, behaving within his norm's parameters.

A few days ago, an article about one of the most amazing Autistic children ever reappeared on Facebook - I had already come across it over a year ago.  Here is a link - read it, watch

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's Supermum!

In a few weeks' time, I can forget all about "me time" for quite a long while. As unfortunate as it may be, I know that it is out of necessity.



Having said that, I have no intention of spending the next 10-15 years without getting any "me time" - this is parenthood, not a prison sentence.

Parents who have the luck of being in a relationship won't find it that hard to have a break at least for a couple of hours once in a while - however their "couple time" is usually the one to suffer.  This, unfortunately tends to affect quite a lot of relationships - and might even lead to the situation to be so bad that they end up scrapping the relationship altogether.  I had come up with a rough sketch to prevent that prior to my relationship going *poof* - once Creature was a few months old, at least once a week, I would set in place "date night" - and I use the word 'night' very loosely there, since it might be a few hours in the morning or afternoon, not just the evening.  "Date night" was to be accompanied by good communication, and I think it would have worked out.


Once things changed, and I found myself facing Single Parenthood, that rough sketch flew out of the window.  I started doing a bit of research to find out how other Single Parents cope.  I won't have the luxury of another adult being around at night, for example, since I live on my own.  So I need to figure out to the best of my abilities how to recognise the signs that something is wrong, and know what to do in advance.  Prevention is better than cure, as they say.  For a worrywart like me, that certainly seems like one cliche with quite a lot of validity.


After talking to a few friends who are either Single Parents, or their partner is not around most of the time for one reason or another [e.g. working abroad], as well as doing some reading up, I think I may have come up with the beginnings of a rough sketch of a plan.  I'm not able to finalise it until Creature is here, of course - and some pieces of info I will need, I need to wait a few weeks or moths to obtain - however, it is a start.  So, here you go:

Plan ahead
It is late at night, and you run out of formula milk.  Or your child has a fever in the middle of the night and you're out of ibuprofen.  Or even less dramatic - you have a virus yourself, and you're too busy throwing up to care for your baby. Crap.

 These are very common scenarios unfortunately - so you have to be able to deal with the situation accordingly.  Some ideas of how to cope include:

• Find out if there's an emergency babysitting service in your area – while these services can be pricey, they can often provide help fairly quickly.
• Develop an "emergency list" of friends and family members you know you can call on.
• Find out where the closest pharmacies are, and what other shops stay open til late.  In a place such as Malta, where 24/7 opening hours are extremely rare, it is important to know who to refer to if need be.

If only!!

 Have childcare back-up plans
In Malta, we still have the awesome custom of having babies and children looked after by family members for the vast majority of the time.  Whilst I believe it is a good thing, I feel that a back-up plan is always necessary.  When I was discussing this with my own mother, she seemed on the verge of taking offence just because I mentioned the words "Day Care."

In truth, it is way cheaper to have family, or perhaps friends, babysit your child - but you have to keep in mind that everyone has their own life to live and there will be times when your usual babysitters won't be available.  Or, an emergency arises which involves both them and you.  Who will babysit your child then?

I have identified a couple of daycare centres in my area which I'll be checking out soon enough to find out their prices and whatnot.  I'm leaning towards a particular one so far from the information I got off their website - purely because they're available 24/7 and provide Home-based babysitting if necessary.  Since I don't yet know what shifts I'll be working once I return back to work  after maternity leave, knowing they don't have strict hours by when children ought to be picked up - as well as it being within walking distance from home - tends to score this centre a few extra points in my books.  I will go into more detail about this later on though - perhaps in another blog entirely dedicated to day cares etc.

Swapping babysitting services with other parents is also another alternative.  If you have any friends with children of their own, you may wish to have them babysit your child on one occasion, and then repay back the favour in kind.  This means that your children will get play dates! Therefore, you'll have killed two birds with one stone.

Swallow your pride
This is probably the hardest thing to do - however it will be necessary to not only accept help when offered, but to actually ask for it.  I have issues with this myself as I feel like I'm being a burden to others if I ask for stuff - however, bit by bit I'm having to grow accustomed to it.

I guess the key to it all is remembering that it is all for your child, at the end of the day - so by asking for/accepting other people's help, you're really just vocalising Baby's needs on his/her behalf.

Build a social network


I find this pretty hard because I've always been an introvert and quite selective on who I make friends with.  So I guess I will also have to change this and be less of an anti-social hermit for Creature's sake.  I have no idea how it will work out - but I have to try.

Look after yourself
A lot of parents stretch themselves too thin and forget they have needs.  I admit that I am guilty of this - I tend to bring other people's needs before mine.  However, it is important not to neglect yourself.

I have lived with the attitude of not really caring what happens to me as long as those I care about are safe.  Now, Creature's safety and well-being will rely on my own.  This means that I have to eat well, and be healthy, not just for his/her sake but for my own sanity as well.

I guess that a modified version of my original plan still needs to be retained.  Instead of "Date Night", I will have to come up with a healthy dose of "Me Time" and make sure I don't talk myself out of it.  I can already see me as being one of them stereotype parents you see in movies where they tell the babysitter that the emergency contact numbers are on the fridge, and who call several times throughout the night to check in on their child.  Ah well, we'll see how it goes when the time comes.

Dude, that's so gay!

Everyone tends to say "If s/he were my child, I would..." whenever homosexuality or gender dysphoria is mentioned in connection with musings over how parents must feel/react when their child comes out.  Few people admit they would freak out, lest they be labelled prejudiced, discriminatory or homophobic.

I myself have plenty of LGBT friends - yes, I actually know transgendered people as well - both male-to-female, as well as female-to-male.  I tend to look at everyone as an individual and form my opinion entirely on them as such, regardless of sexuality, race, age etc.

This does not mean though that I would immediately be accepting, or have a positive reaction, should Creature come out to me one day and say "I'm attracted to my own gender," or "I feel I was born in the wrong body and want to undergo a sex change operation."

I cannot imagine how I would react.  Eventually, once the shock would fade away, I suppose I would be ok with it.  It would be very hypocritical of me otherwise.  But, being ok with it, and accepting it, are two totally different things.  Especially when it comes to gender reassignment.  How do you wrap your head around the fact that you gave birth to a girl/boy, and will now have to get used to the idea of having the opposite gender as your child? Even talking about them will have to be something to adjust to.  Instead of saying 'my daughter' you would now have to say 'my son' and vice versa.  It must be rather confusing.  Hell, I sometimes get confused as to which gender to use when talking about transgendered friends, since I got to know them in their birth-assigned gender!

I can only hope that if the day comes where I will have to face such a situation, I will be able to do so in a supportive and accepting manner.

If your child is an Asshat, it might not be your fault.

I don't get how some parents can plan out their child's upbringing and their life in advance.  I often find myself thinking that I want to do things in this way or that way, but I then pause and tell myself that although I might wish to do so, Creature's character will determine whether that will be possible or not.

Perhaps, my not knowing Creature's gender yet helps me take a step back and come to the aforementioned realisation.  I don't know about you, but I believe that a person's character is built up of qualities that the person is born with, as well as qualities acquired through life and the environment that the person grows up in.  There is a whole philosophical debate about this, I happily found out.  It made me accept that my personal view about the matter is not something that is merely personal scrambled thoughts, but a valid point.  If you wish to read about it, here's a link to the Wikipedia Nature vs Nurture article.

I think that the most clear example of Nature vs Nurture can be seen in identical twin babies.  If you ask the parents, they will be able to describe the two babies' characters as being quite different.  And yet, they share the same exact genetics, and the same exact upbringing.  They are exposed to the same things, day after day.  So there must be some validity to the whole argument that a person is not born completely tabula rasa.

This whole concept is one thing to keep in mind when the metaphorical shit hits the metaphorical fan.  It is a very common thing to hear people judge a person's parenting skills without knowing them when their child screws up.  Parenting  skills, or the lack of, are not entirely to blame.  Parents can only do so much.  We can equip the child with all the skills and moral values possible - but at the end of the day, their innate characteristics will also play a part in how they behave. 

What I'm saying is this - you can do your best, but if your child is born with the characteristics of being a "little shit", and lets those characteristics cloud his judgement, then there isn't much you can do about it.  [Which is why I tend to maintain that a person's age has got nothing to do with the amount of stupidity or asshattery they display.  I will not excuse their behaviour "just because they are still young" and will still hold them responsible for their words/actions when it is clear that they should know better.]