Panic!

Sorry, I know I've been gone for a few weeks. I'm back to work and life is hectic as hell.

During the week, if I'm lucky, I get an hour with Morgan before she falls asleep. I get more or less the same amount of time to spend with HSS if I can manage to stay awake until he gets home from work.

Needless to say, I try and compensate during the weekend but it doesn't always work out.

This week just gone, I had a horrible bout of toothache which by Saturday had me in tears and forced me to take a trip to hospital in order to get the tooth pulled out. This meant I didn't get much time with Morgan as I was in no condition to look after her. Thankfully, HSS and my mum had that covered whilst I was MIA.

Today at work, I just had what you could call a panic/anxiety attack. This was due to knowing Morgan is being looked after by someone other than my mum or HSS. Due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, getting an acquaintance to babysit was the only option. I had been feeling palpitations for an hour and a half, after which I was so nauseous I had to run to the toilets. This, my dearies, is what being worried sick feels like.

On a more positive note, Morgan is well, and happy. For the past week she has been trying to get up on all fours to try and crawl, but so far she's only managed to move a "step" backwards. It is a matter of days now til she manages.

Off to work again!
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18July2012 - Bathtime fun!

If they wanna get me making toys, If they wanna get me, well, I got no choice

Tomorrow is the day I rejoin the "Real World" - and quite frankly, the "Real World" sucks.

I'm trying to figure out the effin buses that will take me to work, since the ever-so-clever new Bus Company that took over about a year or so ago decided to remove the bus stop that was the closest to my work place. 

For the coming 5 weeks, I'll barely be seeing Morgan other than whilst she's asleep - or half-asleep, anyway - and I'll see even less of HSS.  This will be followed by another 7 weeks of barely seeing HSS but thankfully, of spending more time with Morgan.  I can't wait til I'm on my proper shift so that I'll get some time with both HSS and Morgan - as it should be.

These past few months have been like a dream - spending every day with the two of them... Knowing that those days will now be over is somewhat painful.  I'm way too aware of how quickly Morgan learns new things and how quickly she's growing.  Spending time away from My Family will hurt. 

At least, Morgan will be spending most of her time with family anyway.  It just sucks being denied the opportunity to see her grow up step by step.

Cuddling up in front of the TV [1st July 2012]

I envy SATMs.  Stay-at-home-Mums, that is.  Or rather, Stay-at-home-Parents, anyway.  I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.  I know SATPs who are dying to go out in the Employment World - and Working Parents [like Yours Truly] who are dying to be with their child[ren] every single day.

I made my own bed, I know, and I will lie in it.  I have to keep reminding myself that it will be better for Morgan in the long run, this way.  I'll be able to provide for her financially much better than what I would be able to had I opted to quit my job and become a SATM. 


And yet, I can't help but wish I could be a SATM. 

Egoistically speaking, I am also what I commonly refer to as "meh" about not having as much time with HSS.  It mainly is knowing that by the time we get 5 minutes together during which we can talk, we'll both be too tired to actually make the most out of it.

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I got love in my tummy

It has begun.

"What's this?" [25June2012]

 

I woke up rather early and went out to buy supplies.  I bought her these awesome heat sensing spoons by Tommee Tippee which change colour to show you that the food is hot, some freezer tubs, and lots of different foods by Organix.  Once back home, I labelled the food fior easy recognition and put ti all away in Morgan's cupboard.

At first, I was finding it all to be way too daunting and was going to postpone the First Weaning Experience til the following day.  I changed my mind a few moments later though as I was way too excited to give it a shot and see what happens! 

HSS and I sat Morgan down in her highchair, and put on a bib round her neck.  I chose the try out this thingy here first. 

NOM! [25June2012]

I scooped up a tiny bit of food and fed it to Morgan.  I held my breath to see what would happen.

What's this?! [25June2012]

Morgan's reaction seemed to be "What's this thing she's putting in my mouth? Why can't I suck on it? What's this new taste? THIS IS ALL SO STRANGE!! AND STOP TAKING PHOTOS OF ME WHILST I TRY TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"I'm so confused!!" [25June2012]

She was hungry and seemed to like it, but couldn't get how she was meant to do it.  Her tongue kept darting in and out, dropping half of the food out of her mouth and down her cute little strawberry-shaped chin.

:D [25June2012]

HSS was taking shitloads of photos in the meanwhile, dancing around us with his phone, enjoying the scene unfolding in front of his gorgeous eyes, and yet being antsy due to wanting to try and feed Morgan himself but not really daring interrupt.


Having noticed his eagerness to give it a try, I handed over the spoon and my seat, and went camera-happy myself.

Hand-over completed! [25June2012]

The first spoonful fed to Morgan by HSS was accompanied by this tune here being hummed.  I couldn't stop giggling at the nerdiness of it all.  Poor Morgan is doomed! Muahahahaha.

"Why are you making strange sounds? AND WHY ARE YOU NOT FEEDING ME?!" [25June2012]

Morgan grew more and more perplexed but seemed to be enjoying the New Noms. 

Omnomnomnomnomnom! [25June2012]

Morgan's tongue kept darting in and out, however she repeatedly lent forward towards the spoon, indicating she wanted more. 

Food is fun! [25June2012]

It was really fun watching HSS and Morgan go through the whole process - this was one hell of a First for all three of us!

"Ok, just a little bit more." [25June2012]

After a short while, Morgan started getting frustrated at too many new things to deal with all at once - new flavours, new textures, new feeding method and new feeding equipment, and ultimately, sitting in a highchair instead of being held in our arms whilst being fed.   She was clearly hungry, and not in the mood to keep experimenting for much longer.

 

Is it time for my milk yet?! IS IT?! [25June2012]

When she started showing signs of distress, we stopped the First Meal and gave her her bottle as usual - which she drained happily.


Since then, we're trying the weaning thing twice a day - breakfast and lunch just before giving her her bottle.  With every Feeding Session, she eats a little bit more, and is slowly getting the hang of it!

On other news, Morgan's second tooth is breaking through! This one is on the left bottom side - it is either a canine or a molar, I'm not entirely sure. Tiny gums with no teeth make it difficult to say until the tooth emerges completely.  Poor girl is in quite a bit of pain lately - however thankfully the Dentinox Teething Gel seems to do the trick in soothing her.

I'm currently trying my best to make the most out of the remaining days before this week is through.  Monday is Back To Work for me.  Eh, I'm dreading it to be honest - not because I don't like the job - I do. I missed it actually!  I'm just not looking forward to spending so little time with Morgan and HSS.  Morgan discovers something new every day - at least one thing evolves in her behaviour and in her physical appearance.  Her First Word, First Crawl, First Step and a plethora of other Firsts are bound to happen at any given moment - and I'm likely to miss out on those milestones.  I wish I could be a Stay-At-Home Mum, however it is in Morgan's best interest that I be a Working Mum. 

I think I'm a banana tree

It happened.

Morgan's first tooth has finally showed up!

Her bottom right canine broke through her gum about 3 days ago.  I had a feeling that it would be a canine as she kept sticking her fingers in her mouth, on the side, and munching on them.  I noticed a small white dot on her gum and ran my finger over it to see if it may have been some milk residue.  When I saw it didn't go away, I had the confirmation that it was indeed a tooth. I was so excited!!

I'll miss her toothless grins - but her having teeth to bare whilst grinning will probably be just as cute. If not cuter!

On another note...

This is my last week before going back to work.  It is upsetting - I won't get to spend as much time with either Morgan or HSS.  The first five weeks I'll barely see either one of them, then for a further 7 weeks following that, I'll see Morgan more but barely see HSS.  Once these 3 months go by, things will improve, but it will still be very different to what life is like right now.

I got used to spending time apart to be honest - but knowing I can go back home to Morgan whenever I want helped me cope with not being with her 24/7.  When we're not together, all HSS and I think about is Morgan.  We end up wondering what she's doing, how she's feeling, what new thing she might have discovered... Now, I'll be missing out much more, and the worst bit is that I won't be able to go back home whenever I'd like to if it all becomes way too overwhelming.

Ugh.

This whole grown-up thing sucks at times.

This week, we should be starting the weaning process.  I wonder how messy of a deal it will all be!  I hope Morgan finds it interesting and not too stressful.  I'm still unsure of what food I'll be starting off with to be honest - probably some baby rice or cereal or something.  I'll have to go buy the stuff later. Or perhaps tomorrow.  It depends entirely on how well I can walk [skinned my pinky toe. damned heels.] and on how warmer it gets throughout the day.

Everything is daunting right now.  So many changes! So little time to deal with them all! And so little I can do to affect the outcome! 

Celebrate good times! Come on!

Those of you who know me, know what to expect whenever the Carlton Dance resurfaces.

Yep. It is my Happy Dance!

Which can only mean one thing - good news!


I got the long-awaited phone call from work earlier today.  HSS and myself had just been playing with Morgan and I was in the process of changing her nappy when the phone call came through.  At first, they hung up by the time HSS handed me my phone.  Soon after though, the phone rang again.

MY REQUEST FOR REDUCED HOURS GOT APPROVED!

This means I will now be working 4 days a week - for a total of 30 hours.  And - I will always go back home to an awake Morgan.  It also means I won't need the daycare as much - thus, less expenses.


Then, I got told I'd be called back with a confirmation of when I'll be returning back to work.  I thanked the HR Manager and hung up.

Morgan was in a playful mood then - and she seemed to have decided that forevermore, I should take on the role of Bad Cop whereas HSS would be Good Cop.  We had an 'argument', her and I, over her wanting to suck on her hand instead of the dummy.  HSS couldn't keep a straight face.  She kept spitting out, or pulling out, the dummy, looking at him with a grin on her face, then looking at me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye, grin, and slowly move her hand towards her mouth.  Eventually, she'd put her hand in her mouth, which is when I'd go "MORGAN! No handy!" and she'd immediately remove her hand, and allow me to give her the dummy.  We kept this up for a good 15 - 30 minutes.  I must admit, I too was trying not to burst out laughing.  I need to practise my stern look and "the voice" though.

Mischief is afoot! 14th May 2012

After what seemed like an eternity, I got a call back from work.  They informed me that I will be returning back to work on the 2nd July! ANOTHER MONTH WITH MORGAN!

AND it will be paid.  I'll then have 5 weeks of working 9-6 Mon-Fri due to refresher classroom training, followed by a good number of weeks of Mon-Fri 9-3 of hands-on training, after which I'd be going on my fixed, reduced hours. Any hours I work which exceed the 30 hours weekly would be taken as time in lieu, meaning my leave will be regained rather than getting paid extra.  I'm happy doing that.

Morgan and I then went for coffeetimes and banter with my mum, followed by a quick trip top the store to buy her formula milk, then back home for bath and bottle.  she is now happily snoozing the evening away. 

Anyway - off to prepare her bottles now!

Toodles! x

The Name of the Game

A few days have gone by without my updating the blog. Sorry, peoples!

Things are proceeding well. Morgan is growing and growing and changing and learning. Her movements are becoming smoother, she is holding her head up more and more, and is a social butterfly. People can't help but fall in love with her.

I will have to buy a rolling pin for every birthday she celebrates, otherwise I won't have enough deterrents in my possession for her future datees.

As I type this, I'm watching a friend's 7 year old daughter play netball. This gorgeous girl has blond hair and blue eyes - and is very outgoing, curious, and fun to have around. Which is what makes it easier for me to picture Morgan in such a role. I can't wait til it is her I'll be watching.

On the other hand, it will mean time will have flown by way too quickly.

I'm cherishing every second whilst I still can.

I had a meeting at work yesterday regarding my return to work. Shit's getting real, as they say. Gods willing I will know when I'll be back and what hours I'll be working by Monday. If I get the reduced hours shift, I'll be working every Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. It suits me fine for the present moment in time. It will also mean that not only will I be able to raise my daughter myself with minimal daycare intervention, but I will also be able to juggle my relationship with HSS efficiently.

Speaking of which, all is fine and dandy in the HSS front. *insert Happy Carlton Dance here*

I'm going to bid you farewell for now - we're soon off for some hiking/picnic times. By we, I mean a couple of friends of mine and their offspring. Morgan is still too young to take with in such environments. Especially in such strongly sunshine-filled days. I can't wait til I'll be able to!!

Good morning! 11-05-2012

I got 5 on it

7th April - Saturday night:

I failed.

I tried to go out. I didn't even last 2 and a half hours before I came back home to be with Morgan. The gig I went to happened to feature one of my favourite locals bands, too! And yet, the urge to come back home and be with her was too overwhelming.

Thankfully, a friend offered me a ride home as he wasn't in the mood to stay out. The moment I got back home, I rushed to Morgan's side and held her hand. She stirred, slightly, and I breathed out a sigh of relief.

I snuggled up in bed next to her and fell asleep shortly after.

Easter Sunday (8th April):

Woke up, fed Morgan, and stayed in bed for as long as I could together with Morgan. My grandma gave Morgan a teddy bear soft toy with an easter egg attached to it. The egg, I'll be munching on this year. The bear will be enjoyed by Morgan when she's a bit older since it has choking hazards (beady eyes and a glued-on nose that could be easily pulled off).

My sisters visited briefly, and in the afternoon, my elder sister, Morgan and I walked back home. I noticed how used I have gotten to pushing a pram whilst walking with my sis. I let her push the pram and Gods know how many times she bumped into things (like the edge of the pavement, potholes or doorsteps). When pushing a pram or pushchair, one has to examine the ground that is way ahead of them all the time and memorise what obstacles are present. It is similar to programming your very own Mental GPS System.

Woe is me!

Once home, she hung out with Morgan and myself for a short while and then left us to a nice relaxed evening of watching Once Upon A Time together.


I bathed Morgan upon her request. "How?" you might be wondering. Well, Morgan very rarely is fussy. On Sunday early evening, she was fussy for no apparent reason and kept fidgeting. I took her to the nappy changer so that I could have a peek and see if she needed a nappy change. The moment I lay her down, she stopped whining. That is when I realised that she actually _wanted_ a bath! She is starting to enjoy being buttnaked and feeling all fresh and clean. Right after bathing her, drying her up and clothing her, she fell asleep in my arms. I woke her up to feed her and she then went back to sleep. Later, I woke her up again for another feed and yet again, she drifted back to sleep straight away!

Monday (9th April):

Willow & Dimi [her dad], Morgan & myself :)

We met Becca, Dimi and Willow in Valletta! This was Morgan's first encounter with another baby. It was good to finally meet Willow as Becca and I have pretty much followed one another's pregnancies and parenthood up til now.



Willow seemed interested in Morgan, but Morgan's attention span is still limited and so there wasn't much interaction yet. It was still pretty cool.

Morgan and I in Valletta

I do have a complaint though. We went to this cafeteria just opposite the St John's Co-cathedral, and were left waiting for food for about an HOUR AND A HALF. With TWO babies. All we wanted was a pizza, a burger and a salad. No biggie! We ended up paying for our drinks and going elsewhere. This time round, food only took about 15 minutes and the waiter was nice enough to get me a jug of boiling water for me to warm up Morgan's bottle when it was time for her to eat.


It was really awesome watching Willow make a mess of her fruit puree food thingy! I can't wait til Morgan starts the weaning process! I'm sure I'll be exasperated at times, but food is meant to be enjoyed and boy do babies enjoy it!!

Right after saying our farewells, I took Morgan to Paola to meet up with my mum. We had coffee, and afterwards Morgan and I came home.

Morgan then requested she be bathed. I'm not kidding! She was restless and cranky, so I put her on the nappy changer to check if she needed a nappy change. The moment she was flat on her back, her mood improved and I realised she wanted a bath. Thus, I obliged. She was really cheerful afterwards!
We were both pretty tired, and so we just hung out and eventually went to sleep.

Yes, I hang out with my baby. She's cool! I actually enjoy spending so much time with her, watching movies, playing, listening to music, going places etc. She's fun and good company.
We watched some more Once Upon a Time episodes, and then it was soon bedtime.

Tuesday 10th April 2012:

We took it easy. Didn't go anywhere as it would have been too tiring. We watched the last few episodes of Once Upon A Time, and then watched Van Helsing. Both Morgan and I nodded off whilst watching it though. All the running around we have been doing lately tends to drain me. Plus, all that fresh air tires her out too.

Yet again, Morgan requested a bath at about 6-7pm. She seems to now want to be bathed before her early evening bottle is fed to her. I'm fine with that timing as it means she gets the day's grime off her early, but not too early so that she's still clean by bedtime.

Oh, and we had an "argument".  Morgan kept spitting out her dummy and trying to suck on her hand. I'd stop her and stick the dummy back in her mouth only for her to spit it out again and suck on her hand.  We spent some 5 minutes at it.   She then accepted the dummy, but shortly after I noticed she was trying to sneakily replace the dummy with her hand again.

Sneaky baby!

We played quite a bit and once it was time for her to have her night bottle - around 10:15pm, I decided I'd join her as I was pretty exhausted.

Wednesday 11th April:
Got woken up at about 5:15am by Morgan who seemed to have gotten hungry earlier than usual. Unfortunately it meant I also had to prepare the day's bottles at silly o'clock.

The steam steriliser took forever. Once it turned itself off, I prepared the bottles, put them in the fridge, and rejoined Morgan in bed. She had stayed up waiting for me to return to bed.

We snoozed some more, until Morgan decided she had had enough at about 9:15am and wanted to watch the light change through the window and to play. I laid her on the bed in front of me and we played for a while until it was time for her next feed.

Once cleaned up and fed, we set out to go pick up a parcel sent by her Paternal Granny from the post office. Such awesome stuff was contained in said parcel! A couple of outfits, a hat, a "Superhero" cushion - I call it so because the cushion cover has the letter M on it. Reminds me of the Superman S and stuff. Also, a giggle toy (one whose belly you press for it to make a sound), a pair of sandals, and a face cloth which is hilarious and awesome! It is one of them thingies you put in water and they expand. Its got a dinosaur on it, called Morganosaurus. The moment I read out its name, Morgan grinned. She seems to like punny stuff. *grin*

We stopped by at my grandma's, then went for coffee with my mum. Yes, I really like coffee. After coffeetimes were had, we returned back to my grandma's for a while. Since it was rather cloudy and drizzly, the moment the sun came out, we set on our way back home lest it rains.

Once back home, we just chilled and played. Morgan seemed to be amused by my singing along to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" as she grinned when I started singing along to it. I had the same reaction from her a few days ago, but it was with Walk Like An Egyptian. She has good taste in music!

I bathed Morgan, fed her, played some more and she then nodded off. Took care of some laundry which I only just remembered I need to attend to... Argh! I don't feel like dragging my tired arse out of bed! Ah well. I suppose I have to anyway in order to edit this post once I submit it to my laptop..
I only just fed and cleaned up Morgan for the last time today. She is now fast asleep in bed.

Oh, epic news! Her Paternal Granny just rebooked her flight! In just about 6 weeks, she'll be over! It will mean that my time at home with Morgan would be nearly up, but I suppose at least it is something to look forward to. A way to sugar coat it all, if you will.

I'm still waiting to find out what is going to happen at work. I called yesterday and was told they'll call me back.

I'm still wishing I had the luxury of being a stay-at-home mum.
 
Ah well.

If you've managed to read all of the above - well done! Here's a cookie!

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Three Days' Grace

This entry will cover 3 days.

4th April 2012:

So, I won't be writing about what's going through my mind right now or I'll start sounding like a broken record.  [Yes, still thinking about the return to work thingy].

OK fine, I'll write some more about it whilst my food is done cooking [mmmmmm pasties].  I did some reading up on Separation Anxiety and it seems like the vast majority of articles I came across focus on the kind of Separation Anxiety children tend to feel when they have finally realised that they are a separate person from their primary carer.  This is caused by their lack of understanding of the concept of time.  If they don't see their primary carer, they end up not knowing if or when s/he'll come back.  This is what causes them to panic and be anxious about it.

There is little out there about how parents are meant to cope with it when they are the one experiencing the anxiety.  All I kept reading was "don't worry too much" or "don't feel guilty" bla bla bla.  It is one thing to say it, and a completely different thing to be able to do it.  I suspect they don't delve much into it so as not to tell you how awful it really can be.

*sniffs the air* mmmmmm pasties.

OK, where was I?  Ah yes.

I am now waiting to find out what shifts I'll be working to try and figure out how the heck I'm going to manage being a Working Single Parent.

I'm told that stay-at-home mums end up regretting staying at home as the lack of adult company drives them crazy.  I would rather experience that than miss out on my daughter's childhood.  Ah well, I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side.  *insert Stoner puns here*

Heh, sorry. Although I don't smoke pot myself, I can't help but think of it whenever that expression is used.

Anyway.

Right now, I'm focusing a lot on the Pagan Mama facebook group as it is allowing me to do some reading up and discuss topics related to both Parenting and Paganism with others in similar situations as I am.  It also helps me create and find information that is easily accessible to children - which I'm keeping on file for Morgan.

Yesterday I started framing the Faerie Oracle deck so that eventually I'll hang up all 66 frames in Morgan's room.  Well, 65, perhaps.  The first card is left blank for the person owning the deck to draw their own Faerie Guide.  I may keep that for Morgan to doodle when she's a bit older.

Yesterday it was relatively uneventful.  I tidied up, I spent time with Morgan. We played, we watched the first episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys together, and then we went for coffee with my mum.

I also got this Plaster of Paris kit for her with a Fairy Mirror mold and a Fairy Name Plate mold for her.  I will look into them at a later date though.

Oh, and the washing machine repair dude came over and fixed it for me.  Turns out a Colour Catcher sheet got stuck in the filter.  Oops!  That's what I get for trying to be economical and eco-friendly I guess!  Needless to say, I then switched myself on to Laundry Mode.

My mum got Morgan a couple of board books,and a deck of flashcards in Maltese.  They will come in handy as it is somewhat difficult to find interesting books in Maltese.

6th April 2012:
On Wednesday, I baked Sugar Cookies. I'm lucky if there was 1 that turned out round.  They were edible though.  And no one died of food poisoning.  Yesterday [Thursday], Morgan and I spent a pretty relaxed day.  I swept the floors, tidied up, and cleaned up the house as much as possible whilst battling the ants that decided to show up overnight.  We played, listened to music, watched The Lorax online, and she napped quite a bit.

I set up 3 altars - one dedicated to the Maiden,the other to the Mother, and the last to the Crone.  At about 6pm, friends started to show up.  We were 7 in total - including Morgan and myself - and we celebrated the [almost] full moon, had banter, ate and drank.  When they left, my fridge had more stuff in it than what it had before they came over!


Once everyone left, I fed Morgan her last bottle of the day, and put her to bed.  I joined her soon after.  I had aa pretty crappy night's sleep - was still stressing out over the work thingy, so I kept waking up.  Seems like insomnia is making a harsh comeback now that I'm really stressing out over something. Yay!


At around 6am, Morgan woke me up to clean her up and feed her, and she went back to sleep soon after.  I did some housechores, and managed to cut her fingernails as she slept.  Once it was time for her next feed, I called my mum and we agreed to meet up and go for a walk by the seaside with Morgan. Bad idea.  Not even 5 minutes into it,I got a splitting headache that turned into a migraine.  That is what I get for going out in direct sunlight.  I swear I was born in the wrong country.


I was really annoyed at this place where we went to grab a bite.  They expect children to show up at their food outlet.  The highchair in the corner was proof of that.  And yet, the entrance to their shop has no ramp, and they have no flipping baby changer meaning I had to change Morgan's poopy nappy in her pram, with people eating a couple of tables away from the most remote corner I could find.  Argh!!!  It was really awkward.  I know I won't be returning any time soon.


Once we left, we went over to my Grandma's, fed Morgan, tried to have a nap to get rid of the migraine, and then came back home.  Migraine  is still pestering me - it is currently 11:36pm.  Hopefully it will leave by morning.

Morgan & myself @ B'bugia [06/04/2012]

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

Today has been relatively quiet. A couple of friends came over in the afternoon for banter, and then my mum came over in the early evening.   I managed to tidy up the place quite a bit, since Morgan has been quiet all day.  She has been asleep for the past couple of hours, and I shall soon be waking her up for her last bottle of the night.

She's starting to take off a sock on a daily basis now.

See? Baby Bigfoot!

Every day that goes by, she becomes more and more interactive.  I can't bear the thought of our time together being limited.  I know it is for her own good - however I really wish I could be a stay-at-home mum rather than have to be a working mum.  Right now it is all I keep thinking of.  She does something new every day - and right now  I'm blessed with being able to witness them happening.  Once I go back to work, I will be missing out on watching my child grow up.  Even thinking about it gets me all choked up.  I know, I know.  I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last mother to have to deal with this.  Wishing for the "if only" is a complete and utter waste of time. And yet, I can't help it.

I hope our bond won't change.  Children tend to bond the most with their primary carer.  Once I'm back to work, I will no longer be that primary carer to her.  She will be spending most of her time with someone else.  I worry too much, I know.

All this makes it even harder for me to understand Absent Parents.  How on earth can anyone walk away from the opportunity of being in their child's life?  It is beyond my comprehension.