You Are My Dream

At times, I feel as if all this is just a dream. In the evening, after changing Morgan's nappy and feeding her, I get some alone time. Everyone, including Morgan, will be asleep, so I can go to the dining room and grab a bite, or a coffee, and read or watch tv or chat with a friend or three.

This is when I disconnect from reality, and I temporarily feel as if Morgan never was. It is strange. I don't feel happy, or sad, whenever this happens. It just feels normal, in a way.

Then, I touch my abdomen and feel the numbness, or run my fingers over the scar. Or even still, I spot a baby spit stain on my shirt. All of a sudden, I'm pulled back to reality, and I feel relieved.

Life wouldn't be worth living without my Fairy. I know, I know. Cliché. I mean it though. The moment she was born, I was reborn.

In just under an hour, it will be Valentine's Day here. Last year, my V-day was good - I had someone in my life with whom there was something in the making. This year far exceeds it though! The something-in-the-making led to Morgan. Even though I'm not in a romantic relationship, so to speak, I have my One True Love right here. Morgan, my Light Bringer, is the one person I can love and know it will not be unrequited. She far exceeds the love one can find with a partner. She is perfection to me. And yes, I'm smitten by my spawn. I would give anything for her, and yet I know it won't be required. At least, not yet.

Before she was born, I had question marks as to whether I'd be willing to give me life for her or not, should it be required. I can now safe say that I would - in a heartbeat, if not sooner.

Got a light?

Ah, how I miss smoking. The joys of digging into my baccy pouch and rolling a cigarette, and then light up and take that first drag...


When I found out I was pregnant, i was 3-4 weeks down the line.  I realised then that I had to stop smoking.  It wasn't my first time attempting to quit. In the past, I had managed to quit for3 months, a few weeks, and a few days respectively. This time though, I knew I had to stick with it.

I was a heavy smoker. Since I rolled my own, I never knew exactly how much I would be smoking.... Suffice to say though, that a packet of baccy would last me just under a week... And I rolled my ciggies as thinly as I could. Thin enough for a filter tip not to fit in the paper tube.

Within a week of my finding out I was pregnant, I managed to cut down to just 1 cigarette a day. In the meanwhile, at work, I was getting denied cigarettes by my team mates [who realised something was up before I told them I'm pregnant simply because of my sudden drastic decrease in smoking.] and.or denied the loan of lighters.

Gradually, my one-a-day changed to one-every-3-days, then 5days, then a week, and so on and so forth. I had some travels planned for the month of June/July.  I would be seeing some of my chosen family at Skindependence [a body modification annual meet-up that up until this year was held in Billings, Montana].  That means, I would be surrounded by people I love, but not being able to do the things I love which I had planned from the year before.  If you weren't aware, getting any sort of body modification when pregnant is a bad idea.  It causes your body to go through unnecessary stress, and although the chances of infection are remote if the mod [be it a piercing, tattoo, implant, scarification, brand suspension, flesh pull etc] is executed correctly, with no cross-contamination occurrences, and if you follow a strict aftercare regime, there is still a very slim chance.


Being at Skindependence also meant I would be constantly surrounded by a smoking majority - so I made a decision. I would still smoke the odd cigarette. But once SkinD was over, so would my habit.

My last cigarette was on the 8th of July 2011, in the company of some very close friends of mine.  I haven't looked back since.

Now, I can tell you all sorts of scientific facts about the harmful effects of smoking on the unborn child.  But I won't. I'll just link you to this, this, and this instead.

My personal reason to quit was this:

Smoking is a personal choice.  I firmly believe that 2nd hand smoking is also a personal choice.  Allow me to explain why. Picture this. You're standing in a room with 3 people who are smoking.  You are being subjected to their 2nd hand smoke.  You have a choice. You can either stay there and inhale the smoke, or leave the room, therefore removing the exposure to 2nd hand smoke.  A foetus does not have your same choice. S/he cannot just pack up and leave your uterus, can s/he?  I just don't find it fair to subject the unborn to something they have no say in.

I have no idea if I'll continue not smoking once Creature is born - right now I'm trying to tell myself that for the same amount of money I'd spend on tobacco and rolling papers every week, I would be able to afford an extra pack of nappies.  Hopefully, that will keep me motivated enough not to start smoking again.

At the end of the day, it is all about prioritising. And right now, my sole priority is Creature.