May we all have our hopes, our will to try

Hello? Is this thing on?

MY sincere apologies for being gone for so long! Life is crazily hectic - I guess you knew that already though.

So, here we are.

The blog turned ONE last November. Happy Belated Birthday, Blog!

Sorry! *pats Blog's head*

Since mid-August, we have been going to, and coming from, hospital on a regular basis due to Morgan's recurring UTIs.  I believe I had previously mentioned the plan re: her surgery.  It is meant to be happening on the 5th of February.

MEANT TO.

I got a phone call from hospital a couple of days ago saying "Sorry, the operation is now rescheduled to happen on the 2nd of April."

2ND APRIL?!

Needless to say, the above picture is a perfect depiction of what was going through my head the moment I heard the news.  This meant we were increasing the chances of Morgan getting a 4th infection by delaying the operation, and thus giving a bigger time window for a nasty bug to find its way into Morgan's system and defying the daily antibiotics.  It also meant I have to try and reschedule time off work.  And another thing - it means Morgan will spend a longer period of time on the antibiotics.  I dread the day she will no longer be on the meds - her poor immune system will get quite a shock!

And to think we were so close to finally being [potentially] over and done with this seemingly never ending saga!

Ah well.

On a more positive note - Morgan turns 11 months old today! I officially no longer have a baby - she has become a full-fledged toddler.

She is constantly cruising around the house and has become a super fast crawling machine.  She enjoys:

Bath time! [10Dec2012]

Spending time outdoors [15Dec2012]

Wreaking havoc! [15Dec2012]

Playing! [Yule 2012]

Exploring [Dec2012]

Feeding herself [31Dec2012]

She is amazing - a huge handful, but fun.  She loves books and is extremely inquisitive.

So far, she says "Ħeqq!", "Mama", "Papa", "Ejja", "Baba" [bottle], "Adda" [id-dawl], "Da" [duck]. [Ħeqq being a Maltese expression equivalent to 'oh' or shrugging one's shoulders, Ejja meaning 'Come' which she usually says when she wants us to pick her up, Adda being her way of saying Id-Dawl meaning 'The Light'].

Morgan has also mastered going down the small step that leads to the back yard.  It took her a few tries, but yesterday she managed to go down the step by crawling forward.  She then started crawling up and down the stair repeatedly.

Today she took hold of my hand and went down the same step by WALKING.  This was followed by her crawling up a full-sized step to get into the wash room without any help.

I fear one of these days I'll wake up and she'll be there, packing her bags telling me she's going to move out.  I know it will happen eventually, but I'd rather it didn't happen before another 18 years or so. 

Morgan is currently 79cm [31 inches] in height, with a head circumference of 48cm [19 inches].  She is wearing 12-18 month sized clothing comfortably, and is rapidly moving towards the 18-24 month sized clothing! We, my friends, have a ginormous child.  Her feet are way too wide for 'normal' shoes - out of the 10 pairs she owns [which is more than I own myself!] none fit her.  I'm in the process of trying to figure out her feet's measurements so that I can hunt for wide fitting toddler shoes.

Next month is her birthday! I've started working on getting everything together for said occasion - the invites are designed, and supplies are increasing.  Next I'll be working on what foodstuffs to prepare, whilst trying to come up with a venue.  Our home is too small to throw a party in, I think.  Any suggestions are welcome [as long as they're not McDonald's. She's too young for that and I'd rather not encourage junk food consumption, anyway.].

Now, for the cliché section: Today is NYE.  Therefore an End of Year statement is expected.

This year for me has been one of the hardest - if not the hardest - ever.  Nevertheless, it has been the happiest year of my life.  There were so many Firsts! So many new things to learn and to experience! I went through childbirth [albeit via C-section], learnt how to look after someone else to the extent of it being a life-or-death matter, learnt how to change a nappy whilst in zombie mode,  prepare bottles and baby food, and a million other things.  I learnt the joys and the sorrows of Motherhood.  Or at least, I've learnt the better part of the first chapter of Motherhood.  There will undoubtedly be much more hurdles to overcome and a lot more joys to experience.

I also came to realise, and accept, that I have finally found my soul mate.  For the first time ever, I'm in a relationship where obstacles and problems have been thrown in our way ever since day one, however we managed to face every challenge together and become closer as a consequence.  This is probably the one relationship with the most difficulties I've ever experienced - and I'm happy.  Goes to show that communication truly is the key to keep things plain sailing.

2012 has also been the first year since the year 2000 during which I have not attended a funeral.  Having said that, my family's she-dog did get put to sleep shortly after Morgan was born, so it wasn't an entirely death-free year.  Still - I'm grateful for a break from mourning newly deceased friends and family members.  Hopefully I'm not jinxing it since there's still 13 and a half hours to go until the end of the year is official.

Another good thing that happened this year was becoming an Admin on the wonderful Facebook community known as The Pagan Mama.  It is always a joy posting stuff and interacting with the Mamas, Papas and Friends forming part of the community.  It is pretty much the closest thing to a 'mummy club' I'll ever get to - and that's perfectly fine with me!

A fair number of friends and acquaintances have also had a lot on their plate this year - people they knew or were related to passed away, a good number had to handle major illnesses and are still battling them, break-ups and a plethora of other occurrences. To you all, my beloved, I'd like to say one thing. And that's:

So, in conclusion - THANK YOU to everyone who made this year the way it was.  A special thank you goes to my wonderful man - who is the best Father Morgan could have ever hoped for, and who is also the one I hope to have with me for the rest of my days.  And ultimately, thank you to Morgan - my beautiful, inquisitive, courageous, free spirited, good, perfect, happy daughter who made my life worth living, and who made me proud to call myself Mama'.

Lots of love.

See you next year!

See what love can do

*clears throat*

I ought to apologise for the long absence [once more] - life is so hectic nowadays! With all the juggling of work/home/other stuff that has been going on, I'm on the right path to joining the circus.

Morgan went through a rough patch health-wise.  On Thursday, the 16th of August, in the evening, she had relatively high fever.  She spent the night waking up every half an hour, screaming.  That was one hell of a long night.  In the morning, HSS and myself took her to hospital - where we ended up staying until the following Wednesday.  They did a chest x-ray, took some 9 vials of blood, also did a spinal tap, did a kidney ultrasound, took a urine sample, gave her antibiotics via IV every day, and Gods know what else.  They tested her for Meningitis - but thankfully that came back negative.

18 August 2012 - in hospital, starting the long path of recovery

I spent that quasi-week with her in hospital - and HSS was with us whenever he had a minute to spare.  He was amazing [still is, actually] and I count myself bloody lucky to have him in our lives.

17 August 2012 - Morgan had horrendously high fever still.  HSS seemed like a good place for her to crash :)

The day after being sent home, he took Morgan back to hospital for her last dose of IV antibiotics, after which they removed the cannula needle from her hand.  The day after that - Friday - we ended up going back to hospital with Morgan wheezing and struggling to breathe.  Turns out she had bronchitis.  Yay! We got back home at 4am-ish.  Dead on our feet doesn't even begin to describe how exhausted we all were.

She was on Ventolin and Rectodelt for the bronchitis, and Septrin for the infection which landed her in hospital in the first place.  She's still taking Septrin, as that saga isn't yet over.

They weren't sure if this was a simple UTI or a kidney infection - and there are a couple more tests to be done to ensure that both urethra and kidneys work as they should and haven't been damaged.  The reason she's still taking the antibiotics is that one of the tests involves them attaching a catheter to check her urethra.  This can sometimes lead to - wait for it! - an infection! Therefore, she is being kept on a low dosage of antibiotics as prevention.

She's happy as always - growing up way too quickly.  She has almost outgrown her 9-12m sized clothing and she's still 7 and a half months old!!

Whilst in hospital - she was crying because she wanted her bottle.  I had a problem with the bloody formula milk since they put her on lactose-free formula for a short while.  The lactose-free formula doesn't dissolve properly unless it is prepared with BOILING water.  What happens sit hat the nozzle of the bottle's dummy gets clogged, making it impossible - and hellishly frustrating - for Morgan to drink.  I kept switching dummies, washing them out and reapplying them.  I must've done this process at least 20 times! At one point she was babbling-whining, when all of a sudden I hear "Baba".

I was shocked.  I thought to myself it must be a coincidence and she didn't really mean it.  A couple of days later though - she said "Ba" on two separate occasions.  Every time, she was referring to the bottle.


I suppose that makes it Morgan's first word!

She hasn't said it - or anything else - since, as she seems to have decided that her main priority at the moment is getting from point A to point B.  She is commando-crawling, and stands up with minimal support for long periods of time.  She can also sit up unsupported for quite a long time, and is constantly reaching out for things - and for us to pick her up.


Things with HSS are good [to put it mildly] even though we don't get to spend that much time together for the time being.

Right now, I'm recovering from a small accident which saw his bike falling on my foot when we skidded [whilst almost stationary] just a corner away from home.  Yay for limping around!

Oh - Morgan is now also enjoying her food in a somewhat lumpy format.  It'd be the equivalent of mashed rather than liquidised food.  Her teeth haven't shown through yet but she is still teething like crazy.  I am guessing they'll all show up at once when they decide it is time.

I am aware it is yet a few months until her first birthday - but I'm trying to figure out what kind of celebratory actions we'll be holding for her - besides the quccija.  It is perplexing - organising a birthday party of sorts for a 1 year old.  Any suggestions are welcome!

Ah yes - today Morgan turned on the TV by herself.  She grabbed hold of the remote control, pointed it towards the TV and pressed the on/off button.  Smart girl! 

29 August 2012 - Playing Tug O' War with my elder sis using a wet wipe

Come my little friends as we all sing a happy little working song

Morgan woke me up with backfists flying in my face this morning. The moment I woke up properly, she went back to sleep.  I suppose she is working on becoming a pain in the arse - just like her mum!

Once up, I cleaned her  up and fed her, then napped a bit more.  Woke up a couple of hours later or so, and started cleaning the bedroom furniture I got her. Man - the layer of dust is impressive on them pieces of furniture! By the time I'm done scrubbing them clean I'll have HUGE biceps! Eventually, Morgan woke up again, and so I fed her and cleaned her up again.  When she went back to sleep, I managed to sketch the Green Man's face on the top of the wooden panel in which the dressing table's mirror is set.  These guidelines were awesome!  I doodled it in white pencil so that once I paint it, I won't have issues rubbing it off.

My mum came over and helped me try to figure out the washing machine - alas, a pro needs to have a look at it.  Told the landlady and she said she'll contact the tech dude.  Hopefully it won't be long before he comes over to check it out.  I pretty much am screwed without it.

Morgan was even more smiley today. There were times when she just looked at me and smiled without me saying a word to her.  It is comforting to think that she knows that I love her and that she's happy with what I do with her.  That smile can light up even the crappiest and gloomiest of  days.

Before she left, my mum and I bathed Morgan and fed her.  I managed to clean up the furniture a bit more as well.


Morgan and I then watched Ella Enchanted - which, as cheesy as it may seem, I actually really like.  She spent the evening pretty much sleeping in my arms the whole time - except when she woke up to be fed and cleaned up.

When I put her to bed tonight, I read to her a couple of pages out of The Neverending Story again until she slept.

Goodnighty world!

Once asleep, I put away some more of her clothes, grabbed a bite, and tried to find a book of mine with no luck. A book I own two copies of... Ah well. It will turn up, I'm sure.

I'll be leaving you with a video clip of Morgan playing with Emily The Doll.

Goodnight!

29 March 2012

All You Need Is Love

I love Morgan. That is obviously apparent. But, how do I justify it? Especially to those who never experienced parenthood!

http://www.babycenter.com/0_big-story-how-love-blossoms-between-you-and-your-child_1417762.bc

That article delves into biological explanations as to why I love my Creature so much. To quote a friend of mine, I'm "high on Morgan" - and it is true, from a chemical point of view! The mix of oxytocin and dopamine she provokes is one hell of an addictive drug - one I can never ever get enough of.

Speaking of which - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcD0ktuCeTE&sns

Knowing that maternal love can so easily be explained feels somewhat wrong, however it doesn't detract anything from the whole experience. If anything, it is perhaps reassuring to know that I'm not obsessed - merely human. It still feels odd to think that other parents feel as intensely about their own offspring as I do about Morgan.

My main question though, remains this - how, if it is biologically ingrained, can a parent not love their child?
I know that different people have different reasons for abandoning their children. Not too long ago, there was a case, locally, where a baby was abandoned on the steps of a convent. A lot of people seemed judgmental about it. I couldn't help but wonder what psychological issues the woman may have had, and what background she was coming from. Was she in an abusive situation? Did she have any form of support - emotional, financial or otherwise? Was she depressed? What made her run away from it all and abandon her child?

Knowing we're programmed to love makes me wonder - and I'm not being mean, bitchy, or anything along those lines here - whether there could be something fundamentally wrong in people who are capable of abandoning their spawn. In the physical sense.

I'm not saying it is easy for these 'parents' - and I say 'parents', again, not to be mean, but merely because I don't reckon they'd have earned the title, so to speak - to walk away. I'm sure that for the vast majority, it is a major regret they will have to live with until the day they die. They might try to convince people - and themselves - that it isn't so and that they did it to provide a better life and better opportunities for their child[ren]. Deep down though, I know they think of their offspring and wonder what could have been had things turned out differently.

I just wonder how the few who don't regret it function on a biological level, and whether treatment could "fix" them. Yes, I feel they're broken. It isn't nice, I know. I don't do nice, sugar-coating crap. You should know that by now. If they could get artificially supplemented by a dosage of picotin and dopamine, what would happen?

Wait.. Have I just mentioned a way to actually turn Love into a drug one can ingest? Hmmmm...

You Are My Dream

At times, I feel as if all this is just a dream. In the evening, after changing Morgan's nappy and feeding her, I get some alone time. Everyone, including Morgan, will be asleep, so I can go to the dining room and grab a bite, or a coffee, and read or watch tv or chat with a friend or three.

This is when I disconnect from reality, and I temporarily feel as if Morgan never was. It is strange. I don't feel happy, or sad, whenever this happens. It just feels normal, in a way.

Then, I touch my abdomen and feel the numbness, or run my fingers over the scar. Or even still, I spot a baby spit stain on my shirt. All of a sudden, I'm pulled back to reality, and I feel relieved.

Life wouldn't be worth living without my Fairy. I know, I know. Cliché. I mean it though. The moment she was born, I was reborn.

In just under an hour, it will be Valentine's Day here. Last year, my V-day was good - I had someone in my life with whom there was something in the making. This year far exceeds it though! The something-in-the-making led to Morgan. Even though I'm not in a romantic relationship, so to speak, I have my One True Love right here. Morgan, my Light Bringer, is the one person I can love and know it will not be unrequited. She far exceeds the love one can find with a partner. She is perfection to me. And yes, I'm smitten by my spawn. I would give anything for her, and yet I know it won't be required. At least, not yet.

Before she was born, I had question marks as to whether I'd be willing to give me life for her or not, should it be required. I can now safe say that I would - in a heartbeat, if not sooner.