Those of you who know me, know very well that I'm not the girly girl kind of person. I've always been the kind of female to hate all the fussing and faffing about. This also is reflected in what I wear.
I hate shopping - unless it is for books. I don't get what the fuss is all about - trying on clothes that don't fit properly and/or you have no intention/means to purchase is just annoying,frustrating and a complete and utter waste of time to me. I also happen to a One Pair Of Shoes kind of person. What this means is that you can find me wearing the same pair of shoes in all sorts of different occasions. I can't walk in heels - and I don't need heels anyway - at least locally. When I'm travelling, then yes - I might get to feel short. By Maltese standards though, I'm on the tall side at 1m69cm/ 5ft 6.5 inches.
One thing I have just realised though is this. I have had 3 new pairs of shoes over the past couple of years. They all were laced and worn on extremely significant occasions.
The above photo depicts the first pair. This photo was taken at Skindependence 2010 - on the 2nd of July to be exact. That was the moment I defied gravity. And by that, I mean I was suspended from 4 hooks that were pierced through the skin of my back. It was one of the best moments of my life - one of my greatest accomplishments [and I can't wait til I get to suspend again!].
The second pair was when I went to Manchester exactly a year ago. I got there on the 27th of January, 2011. I already went into detail about this in this previous blog, so I won't repeat myself.
Today,the 29th of January 2012, I find myself lacing up the 3rd pair just an hour or so before I leave for hospital, where I will be giving birth over the next couple of days. The fun fact about this is that an exact year ago, I was in Manchester and we were going to have a photo shoot in the morning. This was where it all began with Creature's 'father'. By 'father' I mean sperm donor. I won't go into the dynamics of how and why he is absent as I don't think it is fair for me to badmouth someone who has given me Creature. I refuse to be the kind of Single Parent to badmouth the ex - regardless of how justified it might be. Especially when it comes to doing so publicly.
I guess this is some sort of subconscious change I go through whenever a major change in my life's direction is about to be taken.
Stress levels are soaring. When this happens, no one is to take anything I say personal - I'm bound to get extremely snappy and pretty much nearly chew people's heads off.
I understand everyone is looking forward to Creature being here - I probably am the least one to feel that way. This is going to sound wrong on many levels - but if I could chicken out of it right now, I would actually consider it.
I hate not being in control of a situation I'm faced with. I'm not a control freak - it just tends to emerge whenever it is my life that we're discussing.
Before anyone says anything optimistic to me - thus making me want to shove their heads so far up their arses that the Human Centipede creator would die of envy for not using this concept in his movies instead - I am not looking for sympathy/empathy. I'm a realist by nature and excessive optimism pisses me off. D0on't tell me everything is going to be fine if it is not true and/or you don't have valid reasons to back up your argument.
This is exactly why I have not committed to having anyone in the delivery room with me. I know for a fact I would end up acting like a total jerk and then just end up putting myself through a huge guilt trip. Again - I don't want to hear that it is only natural to flip whilst giving birth. I don't care what is normal and what isn't. To hell with the norms.
This has not been the easiest pregnancy ever. To most, their pregnancy ends up being the happiest period of their life - or so they try to convince people. For me, it has had a few good days - but mostly it has just been a continuous nightmare where I have had to deal with huge volumes of crap. The drama is still not over, mind you. I doubt it will ever be.
I'm so tired of it all. I wish I could get away from reality for a few brief, refreshing moments. Creature has been the sole reason for me not to give up. I have been telling myself that it will all be worth it eventually. I hope that it will truly be the case.
Last night was yet another sleepless night. Managed to grab half an hour shut eye this morning, and then 'packed' my laundry which was to be brought at the parents' house to make the most out of the sunny day. Since they have roof access, it means I can get much more done in a day laundry-wise at theirs rather than at my place - where I only have a small-ish back yard.
Mon Frèrepicked me up along with three bagfuls of laundry, and breakfast was had with my soon-to-be sister-in-law who at the moment is somewhat unwell [thus her being at home rather than at work today]. Laundry day was then commenced.
Right now, everyone in my family - and I'm sure pretty much all you people who are worthy of the title Friend - is trying to deal with the reality of the situation whereby the pregnancy is soon to cease and Creature will actually be in my arms. To be able to physically see, hear, touch, and most importantly smell, him/her will surely be surreal at first.
Yesterday, my mum was quite flabbergasted at the thought that she will officially be a grandmother in a few days. Whenever I asked her what was on her mind, she couldn't provide me with an answer. Her thoughts were all over the place. I understand where she's coming from as it is similar to my own thoughts. There is a certain degree of fear - a large degree, that is - and shitloads of insecurities. There is also curiousity, anxiety, excitement and a million other emotions.
When I asked my soon-to-be sis-in-law how she feels about it, she said she's a bit panicked and would have liked to achieved a few personal goals before Creature got here - such as quitting smoking, being healthier and being richer. She asked, "Can s/he not stay in there a bit longer?"
I also can relate to her thoughts. I wish I was in better shape and in a better financial situation myself. *cue text from landlady re:rent payment as I'm typing this* I guess I have to make the best out of things as they are.
What I would like is a vat full of that amazing pink liquid in which I can plop my brain and let it soak for a good few days. I know it is useless worrying about stuff now - and that there is no going back. And yet, I can't help myself.
*insert generic fist-shaking towards Christine's general direction here*
My apologies in taking so long to update you! I needed to crash first.
So, I met up with my mum at about 3:30pm and hopped on the bus to the clinic. We got there at 4pm, to find an empty waiting room. Awesome! Went in to see the midwife straight away. Blood pressure was fine, weight showed I gained another half a kilo - meaning I'm now at 86kg. I'm happy with that. We listened to Creature's heartbeat which was strong and steady. She then asked me if I will be breastfeeding.
I sighed. I told her I was not sure yet,and explained the difficulties I see me facing with breastfeeding and that if I will go down that road, it will only be for the first month or so. I explained how soon I will be returning to work and the long hours I work. She seems to have understood where I'm coming from and said that my hesitation is understandable, but that a month is better than none at all and that it is worth giving it a shot.
We then went in to see the Prof. After a few minutes of us waiting for him, he walked into the room and asked us to go into the bigger office which was now vacant. He asked me to get on the couch, and we did n ultrasound scan. Everything appeared to be fine. Creature's growth is spot on!
Then, the words were spoken.
"You will be checking in at the hospital on Sunday at 10:30am"
I nodded and tried to stay calm. He got the midwife to check how many people were scheduled to give birth on the Monday - and it turned out there were5 of them already. So he said "OK, so you go in on Sunday for them to keep you under observation, then we start the induction for the birth to happen on Tuesday."
There. You know now. Creature's arrival is scheduled for the 31st of January 2012.
Whoever coined the saying "Sleeping like a baby" clearly did not have any children of his/her own. Out of all the people I know with children, only one of them never ever had problems with her child waking up in the middle of the night.
My insomnia is stress-related - and since I'm anywhere between minutes and days away from giving birth at the moment, stress levels are soaring. I don't know what Creature's sleeping patterns will be like - and my greatest concern is my own insomnia to be honest, not his/her inability to sleep a whole night. My problem is that when insomnia gets truly chronic, I'd be doing something one minute, and the next I would start nodding off. I just crash. Inevitably, I worry that this will happen whilst Creature is awake and something might happen which I would end up sleeping through due to sheer exhaustion. These thoughts don't help me combat the insomnia.
I really, really hope that I will manage to find a solution. Most people get an hour or so of shut-eye whenever they get someone to babysit for them.Since I only crash when my body decides to, I truly doubt it will be an option for me. Even when exhausted, I don't manage to sleep on command.
Once Creature is here, I'll know how difficult his/her sleeping pattern will be to cope with. This article gives some hints and tips on how to help your child sleep throughout the night. I don't know how efficient these suggestions are - but I guess they must work for at least 1 person on the face of the planet.
If you have any suggestions on how to get a child to sleep, feel free to comment!
[The only sure way I know of is a bop on the head. But I'm thinking it really is not an option. What say you?]
Today involved the daunting task of reassembling the Pram,Pushchair and Car Seats. I'm sure that with practise, the whole process becomes less complicated. It did involve a fair amount of swearing though.
On a positive note, I found out that I can get the wheels repaired. I purchased the 3-in-1 travel system off someone else, and the front wheels do unlock to swirl around 360 degrees - however the moment they are straight again, they lock. Also, the breaks don't seem to function. Recently a shop selling solely items of this particular brand opened nearby, so I asked my mother to check for me whether they would be able to repair one even though it was not purchased as new from their shop and they said it can be done. This means that next month, I'll be hopefully getting it fixed since this month finances are quite tight.
Tomorrow is D-Day. I get to find out whether Creature is to be born this weekend or not. I'm anxious and excited as well about it. I will post an update the moment I get home after the doctor's appointment since I haven't yet managed to set up blog postings from my Blackberry. I know it is done by sending an e-mail from the phone, however I can't seem to figure out how to sync the phone to the Blogger account as of yet. Anyone who may be able to illuminate me on how this can be done, please do.
I can tell that the end of the road is near. There have been bodily changes I've noticed over the past few days. Creature is still growing at a steady pace - I know because my belly started itching,meaning the skin is stretching even further. Movements are still going strong.
Thankfully, s/he seems to have settled in an upside down L position for the past few weeks. This does mean though that I'm off-centred, and that my right side gets all the kicks. S/he is getting somewhat cramped, meaning a kick is pretty visible, and I can actually feel the bottom of his/her foot clearly.I can distinguish the heel from the toes. Creature seems to have pretty big feet! Just like his/her mother I guess!
S/he is in the process of engaging him/herself for birth, meaning there now is somewhat of a pressure happening down below. It is also weird to feel punches so far down coming from inside! The building up of pressure means sitting down can be somewhat uncomfortable. It is an odd ache to explain. It somewhat resembles the achiness you feel after a good workout following along period with no physical activity whatsoever. Only, this is affecting the internal muscles of your Ladybits.
I'm constantly exhausted and insomnia is killing me. I pretty much am trying to crash as much as I can whenever sleep threatens to overtake me. My back is pretty achy, but my hips are aching even more. It feels as if I need to crack them to get some relief... but I can't.
38 and a half weeks
I have also noticed a change in my skin - which is the major indication of hormonal changes. Dry skin is back with a vengeance, and I'm getting spotty again.
Also, there have been changes when it comes to boobs as well.I can tell they're getting ready to turn me into a cow. With their filling in [even more than usual], it gives the breasts a more perky stance [yay!] so for the last few moments of this pregnancy, I can stop feeling as if they were inches away from becoming my belly button's new neighbours.
Tomorrow will be a day of potentially swearing my head off at the pram/pushchair/car seats as I try to reassemble them- wish me luck!
As some of you may know, at the moment there is a bit of a chaotic situation happening within my family healthwise. I really think the hospital should assign us a room to pitch a tent in and save us the trouble of coming and going there on a regular basis.
My grandmother was released from hospital 3 days ago after being there for about 10 days due to her doctor's suspicions that she might be having early signs of renal failure and/or gastric issues. She wasn't able to take any of her meds for a while as she couldn't hold anything she's ingest down. At hospital they put her on intravenous medications and she responded to treatment very quickly.
The issue is this - since being sent back home, she went back to square one. Meaning, this evening, she got referred back to hospital by her doc. She is currently laying on a stretcher in the Emergency Room with my mum to keep her company, waiting for a bed to be assigned to her and for more tests to be carried out.
This year is a year of radical changes within my family. Not only is Creature due any minute now, but my brother is also getting married later on in the year. These are both events that my Gran is really looking forward to.
Knowing how her health is failing her lately, it does make me wonder whether she will be around to witness these two events. As bad as this may sound, I am making a conscious effort to keep in mind that everyone is here on borrowed time, and that at 82years of age, she has had a good long life. Kinda trying to prepare myself for the inevitable, since it must happen sooner or later. I can only hope that it will be later though.
It also makes me wish for Creature to be born sooner, just to make sure she gets to meet him/her. Few people get to meet their great-grandchildren. I'd like her to be one of those few.
Lately, whoever I talk to - mainly people who don't know me that well, to be honest - well... they are all going for the "Soon you'll have a little angel" approach. Every time I read that, it makes me giggle.
Seriously, Creature is my child. I don't expect him/her to be angelic.If anything, s/he'll probably be a little terror. Considering there is the whole Doomsday Prophecy thing going on this year, it got me thinking, and I figured that it is probably referring to the day when Creature takes his/her first steps. It is very possible that the date will indeed be the 21st of December 2012. As soon as those first steps are taken, that is where the real trouble will begin!
My faith in his/her being an Angel is nonexistent - to the extent of my having obtained clothing and bibs with Little Monster[s] as a theme. To be fair, they are cute monsters. Still, I know I was no angel back in my days, so I don't expect my child to be otherwise.
To me though, being a little terror does not mean not having manners or being inconsiderate. It just means being fun and getting up to mischief. There is such a thing as safe mischief after all. I should know - I'm guilty of several accounts of such occurrences.
I don't know if this happens to you guys as well - but, whenever I'm close to a deadline, instead of panicking, a strange calm overtakes me. My mind gets split in two. There will be one half urging me to get to work on whatever it is, screaming and running about, throwing a scene. The other half will opt for a laid back attitude where procrastination is dominant.
At the moment,I've got a list of things that need to be done before the end of next week [for obvious reasons], however the only thing I feel like doing is sleep. Knowing that this will be the last few moments of complete silence I will be getting for a while makes me appreciate it more and wanting to savour it.
Tomorrow I've got another prenatal class. I must remember to let the midwife know that this may very well be my last one so that if there is any important info she needs to dish out, I'll be sure to obtain it.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering what the doll I was making is, here's the finished result:
As silly as it may sound, the idea that Creature will be popping out soon is strange. People around me, as well as myself, got used to the pregnancy. To think that there will be another major change happening puts you back to square one where you have to learn how to deal with it all.
I'm quite looking forward to finding out whether Creature is a boy or a girl. It will be odd not calling him/her Creature after having used that nickname for so long!
So, today I had my doc's appointment. I met up with my mum and grabbed a quick bite before catching the bus to go to the doc's clinic. Got stopped by numerous annoying promoters trying to sell random crap [such as Vodafone promoters blablabla] - which I obviously ignored. There were two such promoters though that I stopped to talk to - they were raising funds for a girl who used to work with me - Angie Bajada - who was involved in a really bad bike accident a while back and is nowadays in a vegetative state. She was 21 years of age when this happened, and has a very young daughter.
On the bus, it got me thinking.
How many risks have I taken in the past without giving it a second thought? More than I care to remember. I don't know what would be the hardest thing to deal with - watching your own parents grieve for you, or watching your child[ren]. What would be best, to live in a vegetative state or to die? It somehow puts things into perspective and makes you understand what must have been going through your parents' heads whenever they warned you to be careful - or got upset at your being reckless.
Once at the clinic, it didn't take long for us to see the midwife. Turns out I gained 500 grams within a week. Acceptable in my books. She listened to Creature's heartbeat which she was pleased with, and checked some other stuff. All was well.
This led to us waiting for a while longer for the Doc to see us. After a short while, it was our turn. Doc did the ultrasound scan, and the first thing he tried to check was the BPD [explained in this previous blog]. He goes "How big is this baby's head?! The computer is saying 'Out of range' when I try to measure it!" This made me giggle - if a bit nervously at the thought of Creature's big head having to be squeezed out of me.
Anyway. He managed to take a measurement and checked that everything else is up to speed as well. Doc then says "I'm guessing you're eating correctly, right? I would think so, judging by the baby's development." Yay!
So, once I get off the couch, he proceeds to tell me "I will see you next week, and I will probably then send you off to hospital the following day."
WHAT?!
Doc carries on to say "Next Thursday, during your appointment, we'll see how the development is going, and I'll give you the date of when you'll be admitted into hospital next week. It will probably be the Friday, otherwise we risk the Baby becoming too big. We'll use this gel to get things going, then after about 12 hours we use it again, and the contractions will do everything by themselves. We'll just be giving it a little push."
This means that by next weekend, Creature is likely to be here!! It is scary,exciting, and every other emotion in between!
On this note, I'm off to bite my fingernails some more.
Since Creature is a Bmod Baby [i.e. conceived by two Bmod members who actually met at a Bmod Official event], s/he has been treated as such from Day 1. Seriously. To most people, a Baby Bump is just that. The baby huddled up inside seems to be an abstract entity... whereas the mother-to-be becomes a Uterus On Legs.
When it comes to Creature though, Bmodders have universally adopted an approach of addressing him/her separately to myself, and the excitement levels of us meeting in person, and them meeting Creature,are completely separate too.I consider that to be pretty damn awesome!
In the meanwhile, quite a few friends have been sending gifts for Creature. They are very much appreciated! I don't have photos of every single gift at the moment, so I'll just include a couple.
Awesome Pirate Quilt by Cap'n Eui
Punny and geeky clothing from Kyrie & Andy
Serious thought has been put after each and every gift - which makes it even more amazing. I love that Creature is so well-loved already. I can't wait til the two of us get to travel and meet our Bmod family!
Although I know the chances are pretty remote, I can't help but wonder - what if something goes wrong? During birth I mean. Apparently it is a thought that has been on my mind long enough to work its way into my dreams.
During my last nap, I dreamt that for some reason, I needed to undergo an emergency Cesarean Section - and was put under general anaesthetic. I somehow found myself at my parents' house when I woke up, clueless as to what had happened. Creature was nowhere to be seen and was told that s/he was at my grandma's house being babysat by someone - my brother's fiancee, I think. I was insisting that I wanted to see Creature and I kept getting told there was no rush and that I needed rest. I asked how they had been feeding Creature and they told me they breastfed her. They didn't need me to be awake to do that it seems. I complained even more saying I needed to see Creature and that I didn't even know if it was a girl or a boy. They ruined the surprise by saying "A girl, of course" and then I woke up from my dream. It sucked.
An element that is pretty popular in literature and film is Death during Childbirth - the death of either mother or child, and having to make the decision who to save - or the death of one of them or even both. It is not as common nowadays within the 'developed' world, however it is an issue that is still existent. All it takes is something as simple as an infection, or an oversight.
I wonder how many people go into the whole Pregnancy experience and are aware that as unlikely as it may be,this could very well be the death of them. Everyone seems to be concerned about the welfare of the child but fail to remember that they too are at risk.
It may sound wrong - hell, even to me it sounds wrong! - but in all honesty, if asked whether I'd be willing to die for Creature to live, I don't know what I would say. I wish I could tell you that I'd say yes in a heartbeat. I am not saying I wouldn't give up my life for his/hers, mind you. I just don't know. A lot of people claim they would take a bullet for their loved ones, or just die for them in general. Faced with the situation though, how many would actually keep true to their word?
What about stillbirth? It happens. I have had to deal with a fair amount of death in my life and some deaths were tougher than others when it came to dealing with the whole mourning process. I have no idea how it might affect me if I had to face this kind of situation. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain parents go through when similar events occur. Having successfully carried the pregnancy to full-term, only to be told that your child died...
I've always been a dog person. I grew up with dogs and to me, a house without a dog is just that - a house, not a home. Unfortunately, rental properties rarely allow pets, so at the moment, my canine family members reside at my parents' house - and my sister's resides at my grandma's.
about 2 years ago or so - Whiskey & Cara [courtesy of my sis]
I am aware that introducing a new family member can be an awkward situation - especially when it comes to babies and dogs. I've been asking around to see how different people coped with the intros. I've been given more or less the same kind of advice by both pet-owners as well as people who work with animals.
I don't know if their advice will work - as in my case I have three dogs to introduce Creature to. I am not really concerned about Whiskey and Cara - they are very outgoing dogs. Whiskey is extremely friendly and energetic, but very obedient as well. He is used to not jumping up to greet me nowadays whenever I see him, so I don't think it will be an issue walking in my parents' house with Creature.
Although people may say it is a bad idea to ever trust an animal - I do trust Whiskey.
Cara, on the other hand, is more shy in her approach but she is still very friendly. Being a small dog means I'm not overly concerned by her jumping up to greet me as with her forelegs outstretched she barely reaches my knee anyway. I find her trustworthy as well.
Whiskey & Cara
The one dog I am a bit concerned about is my sister's dog. I never trusted him - for some reason he has a very odd character. He can quite easily snap at you for no apparent reason at all - quite a moody dog. When I voiced my concern to my sisters, they both said we would need to keep an eye out to ensure things run smoothly. I am not sure how to proceed though. I myself have been snapped at by this dog - and all I did was try to pet him. I happened to be sitting at the table when this happened - he clearly was wanting food, not to be petted. Other family members have been snapped at but thankfully no one has been actually injured. I'm just worried that the injured person will end up being Creature - you can't really tell a baby/toddler not to be all fussy around a certain animal and expect them to obey.
It is a bit of a dead end as I don't know how to go on about this issue. I'm guessing my best bet would be to keep Creature as far away from this grumpy dog as much as I can - this though would mean that whenever my female siblings, or my mum, would be babysitting Creature, it would need to be done either in my own home, or at my parents' house. This is quite unrealistic since my Grandma needs to be looked after as well. It is why I'm stumped.
Enough rambling, anyway. What I've been advised to do is to get someone to take home a piece of clothing, or a burp cloth for example, which has been used by Creature and give it to said dogs to sniff at. This would help them familiarise themselves with Creature's scent before taking him/her home. I'll be giving that a try and see how it goes.
In the meanwhile, here is a site I found with some guidelines of how to prepare well in advance for similar circumstances. I've only mentioned the one solution of sorts as that is the only one applicable to myself since I don't live 24/7 with the aforementioned Dog-people.
I have had my Doc's appointment yesterday - just the usual scan & check-up. Turned out I gained 2 kilos since my last visit 2 weeks ago. 2 kilos is good. It looks like Creature is putting on weight rapidly since from my end, the only thing to get bigger has been the belly as far as I can tell.
It is now getting to a point where Creature is filling in, meaning limbs are becoming a bit hard to tell apart on the sonogram machine's monitor. I didn't get measurements this time as I couldn't see them clearly from where I was laying down, angle-wise. The only one I could see was the abdominal circumference [AC] as being 35cm - that's 2.5cm-ish bigger than a couple of weeks ago!
Profs, [my doc is actually a Professor] said that he is thinking I may be induced a week early, depending on Creature's developments. The moment he said it, a light bulb went off in my head. On my paperwork, the Estimated Due Date is the 7th of February - a week early would make it... Imbolc!
"What?" Imbolc is the first Sabbat to happen iwthin the Modern Day Calendar [in Paganism, the New Year would start on Samhain a.k.a. Halloween], which is followed by Yule and then Imbolc]. In Christianity, Imbolc is known as Candlemas, and it also happens to be known as Groundhog Day in the States.
Imbolc coincides with St Brigid's Day. Brigid, also known as Brighid, Bríde, Brigit, Brìd) is the Gaelic goddess of poetry, healing and smithcraft. As both goddess and saint she is also associated with holy wells, sacred flames, and healing. The lighting of candles and fires represents the return of warmth and the increasing power of the Sun over the coming months
This to me hold a very particular meaning. As I'm writing, I have come to realise that there is a hell of a lot going on, most of which you might dismiss as being a pattern I'm seeing only because I am biased. I will not attempt to convince anyone of anything. Let us just say that I do not believe in coincidences. There is a lot that will become clear to me and to those around me in due time.
If Creature turns out to be a redheaded girl, it will be the finishing touch to it all. I know I'm being cryptic, and for that, I apologise.
If I may, I will try to explain myself.
A while back, I got a tattoo on my forearm... a female dwarf called Bridget. Bridget Stouthammer. Although she is tattooed in Black & Grey shading, she is a redhead. In other versions of the same dwarf - namely ones in colour - this feature is highlighted - excuse the pun. I got her done not only because of my love for dwarves within the fantasy world - especially female ones as they seem to be pretty uncommon. My reason for getting her done, and placed on my left forearm, is for her to symbolise the Warrior aspect of the Goddess. She has a pleasant smile on her handsome face, but her right hand is holding a Hammer that is casually slung on her shoulder, and her left hand is on her belt, right next to her short sword. Piss her off, and you'll pay dearly for it.
Now.... today after the realisation that Creature might be born on Imbolc, I tried calling a very dear friend of mine, to let her know. I knew she would understand immediately why I was somewhat excited about it. She was too.
As my mother and I were walking past a pet store on our way for coffee, before the Prenatal class started, I noticed this plant:
Well, not the plant itself, anyway. The sign above it saying "Madonna Lily". The plants were unremarkable, as they were not flowering so they weren't much to look at. I just recall thinking to myself "Hmmmmm.... huh? Cool name. I like Lily." and immediately started singing this song in my head.
I thought nothing of it... until now.
Plant motifs associated with St Brigid include Madonna Lily (since medieval times, also associated with the Virgin Mary) and the Brigid anenome (the Windflower or Poppy Flowered Anemone, since the early 19th century), while Cill Dara, the church of the oak, is associated with a tree sacred to the Druids.
Another thing I realised whilst reading the Wikipedia articles about both the Saint and the Goddess is that there is also a connection to the Black Madonna. Another good friend of mine was always passionate about the Black Madonna - and all the information I know about Her is thanks to him. We grew apart nowadays - as tends to happen when life gets in the way - however we still have long chats whenever possible. After not hearing from him for a while, he messaged me two or three days ago, and the subject of the Black Madonna came up again.
Now... nothing might come out of all this. For all I know, Creature might be a boy. Either way, I wanted to put this out there, just in case. I didn't want to write about it after Creature's birth as I didn't wish for any of this to be thought of as mere fabrication.
Be it a boy or a girl, I believe that Creature will be bringing quite a bit of magick in my life - not simply in the manner that children tend to - but in a more esoteric sense. Who knows?
One major sacrifice I have had to do throughout the pregnancy was not to get any work done. By work, I mean Body Modification. I have previously mentioned my passion for such modifications in fact. Perhaps though,some of you don't realise how deep my love for body modification runs.
I have always been fascinated by piercings and tattoos and brightly coloured hair, ever since I was very young. Part of my fascination was due to awesome cartoons such as Jem & The Holograms and Kiss Me Licia. Other cartoons such as Pollon had other influences on me - such as my interest in Greek Mythology.
Once I turned 18, I took the decision that it was time to get seriously modified. Thus, my journey began. I started looking up information online, and tried to research all there was to know about piercings and tattoos in particular. Then, exactly 7 years ago, I struck gold. I found a place I could call home - BodyMod.org .
Friendships were born,experiences lived and shared, people met, tears shed, laughter laughed... Bit by bit, I learnt who I was, and became comfortable in my own skin.
I flew as far as the States to be with my newly-found family. It took me over a year to save up enough money to pay for flights and everything. It was worth every cent. At the beginning of 2011, I went to Manchester to meet up with some of my Bmod family - and that is where I got to know the ex. Almost a year later, I'm about to give birth to my very own Bmod Baby!
Now, when it comes to the aforementioned sacrifice... The issue with getting work done whilst pregnant is not a matter of legality. It is a matter of precaution - of being safe. In spite of being really careful and going to a reputable Body Modification Artist, somethings it does happen that things don't go according to plan. You can do everything right - have good quality jewelry, follow a strict aftercare regime - and yet, an infection finds its nasty way in. Should that infection finds its way through to your circulatory system, Baby will be affected.
There is also the chance of going into Anaphylactic shock. Causing your body to go through a lot of unnecessary stress can also lead to complications with the pregnancy. Therefore, in the Unborn's best interest, it is better to wait.
Now that Creature's arrival is imminent, I can't wait to get modified again!! I'm wanting a couple of tattoos done in his/her honour - one to symbolise his/her connection with Bmod, and the other will be symbolic of the name and its connections to mythology. The second tattoo's placement will depend on Creature's gender - if it turns out that Creature is a girl, then the tattoo will go on my left arm, and if it is a boy, it'll go on my right arm. The Bmod Connection will be on my right leg.
There is a standard protocol one follows whenever they find out an acquaintance, friend or relative is pregnant. First off, they look at Pregnant Person confused, trying to assess whether "Congratulations!!" is in order or not. Once the appropriate reaction has been confirmed and executed, [if said reaction was to be positive] the standard conversation would follow these steps:
"How far along are you?"
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Have you decided on a name yet?"
Ah, the name. That is one question that will keep on haunting you until the very end of the pregnancy.
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet." Juliet, in 'Romeo and Juliet' (Act 2, Scene 2)
If like me, you decide to wait until birth to find out your spawn's gender, the task of finding an adequate name will become even harder.You'll have to decide on First and Middle names for a boy, then go through the same process again for a girl. Parents to twins+ have my sympathy - it must be hell trying to decide what names to choose, then figure out who should be given which name once the babies are born!
I set in place a number of rules when it comes to choosing a name.
No biblical names
No naming Creature after someone I know
No naming Creature after someone I know's children.
No naming Creature after an ex.
No uber-common names [e.g. Chris, Mark, Michael, Maria, Sara]
No extremely uncommon names
No names that are easily warped to become something rude [e.g. Josh,Garrett]
No names that are easy to make fun of - mainly because I'd be tempted to do so myself.
No stupid names
The initials must not spell something that will make a bully squeal in glee.
Those guidelines meant that I said no to pretty much all suggestions put forward by people who wished to give their input. Unfortunately, I also had to change my own mind a few times as well.
You know how everyone seems to have names up their sleeve that they'd like to call their child, should they ever become parents? Well, mine were Rhiannon and Gawain. Thanks to pop music, I know for a fact that if I were to call any daughter of mine Rhiannon and live in Malta, more often than not people will call her Rihanna. *shudder* Besides from that unpleasant factor, I know both a Rhiannon and a Gawain nowadays - and one of my friends actually named her own daughter Rhiannon, so that is a no-go.
I also happen to have a severe aversion to most unisex names, as they tend to be too masculine/feminine at the best of times. Therefore, I completely ignored them whilst brainstorming for names.
At one point, I had decided I would call a boy Duncan - which meant I'd have to listen to Princes of the Universe once he's born... And a girl would be called Yvaine, after the Fallen Star in Stardust - one kickass novel written by God Himself - Mr Neil Gaiman. This was the plan until it happened.
"What?"
Well, I was finding it so difficult to come up with a name mainly because I'm the kind of person who needs to see a face in order to assign a name to that being. So, when I got to have a 4D Ultrasound Scan, and I actually saw Creature's face, I realised that neither names were appropriate, and therefore I would have to start my quest all over again.
My Creature :)
I spent the next few days constantly staring at the 4D images, trying to decide what name Creature looks like, besides from Creature, of course. And then, one night it hit me. I had finally found The Name.
At this point, you're probably hanging on the edge of your seat in anticipation. "What is it? Tell us! Tell us!" you're screaming frantically at me.
Sorry, but not yet.
It isn't that I'm being evil..... well, not just that, anyway. Remember the 10 Name Choosing Commandments I listed previously? Number 3 is the reason why only a handful of people I trust know the name.
Friendships can be ruined over someone stealing another person's future baby name. It has happened in the past, and undoubtedly, it will carry on happening. If you're one of them Name Stealers - SHAME ON YOU!! It is really annoying when it happens, especially if the person robbed of the name has the same kind of rules I do. Please, don't. If you like a name someone has had up their sleeve for a while, and you would like to use it, ask them first. They might not agree to its use as a first name, but perhaps they'd be fine with it being used as a middle name!
So, now that I've chosen a First Name, I get to repeat the same process all over again with a Middle Name. Wish me luck!
First of all, I would like to thank you all for showing an interest in my inane ramblings and for the support you've shown! Thankies!!
New year, new chapter I guess, right?
Well, this year will be one of many firsts. For the first time, my countdown will be to a life-changing event. I will become a mother for the first time, and will be responsible for what seems to probably be a not-so-tiny-Creature. I will be entering my first life-long commitment relationship-wise, and will hopefully get to witness Creature's first words, smile, steps, meal, bath, Samhain, Yule and gods know what else!
From here onwards, my life will no longer be mine - it will be ours. For the first time, I will have someone I love, love me back [I hope] and sticking around for a long long time.
So yes - it truly is a new beginning for me.
My only hope is that this year, there will be no funerals to attend. For those who know me, you know it has been an annual thing since 2000. Having a break and focusing on Life, rather than Death, would be nice.
Oh!! And I also get to witness the officialisation of another accomplishment of mine - my brother will be getting married to my lovely friend. I claim full responsibility for their introduction :D
I look forward to this new challenge that lies ahead of me. For those of you who are thinking "What about doomsday?" I have my own theory - it is highly likely that the date is correct - and the end will be brought upon us... by Creature's first steps. Muahahahahahahahaha.
Last night was yet another insomnia-ridden experience. This meant,I got to watch my Belly Show. I finally managed to capture a brief moment of it on video - which you can see below:
I uploaded this video clip to my Facebook account, and most of my friends who have never experienced pregnancy first hand seemed to be somewhat traumatised. I've been told by a handful of them that they didn't think there would be so much movement going or, nor that it would be THAT clearly visible. To be fair, I', sure that on some level - be it conscious or subconscious, they made the link to the famous Alien scene. Not sure which one I'm referring to? Shame on you!! Here you go!
When I was first told it would be visible, I myself made the connection with the chest burster scene and thought I would probably freak out if I see something moving inside of me. Instead, I just tend to giggle at it all most of the time, with a "Ouch, stop that will you?" thrown in every so often, especially when Creature throws in a mega-kick or punch.
As painful as the movement tends to be most of the time, it means that all is well and I don't have to worry. Before I started feeling movements, I used to worry all the time whether Creature is ok in there.
Other mums tend to tell me "I miss being pregnant - I miss feeling the movements inside of me." One of my mum-friends actually went to the extent of saying that she envies me for being pregnant, and that she was really upset after giving birth - on both occasions [seeing as she is a mother of two] - just because she felt deprived of the movements.
I can imagine getting nostalgic about it, one way or another - however the trick with nostalgia is to recall both good and bad stuff related to the topic. That way, you can move forward instead of getting stuck to dwell in the past.
I keep picturing what the first few moments will be like, once Creature is born. I have half-jokingly said that if I have a boy and call him Duncan, I want to listen to Princes of the Universe the moment he is born. The plan has changed to a gender neutral one now - once they hand him/her over to me, I just want to go.... "IT'S ALIIIIIVE!!!!! ALIIIIIIVE!!!!" Think the midwife and medical stuff will mind? :D
Having been born in the mid-80s, growing up I was surrounded by all things cheesy and awesome - cartoons, movies, music - you name it. Maybe it is nostalgia, but I honestly believe that there isn't that kind of quality being produced nowadays.
I do know that I would like to introduce Creature to my 'childhood' favourites - and I say 'childhood' because in truth, I still enjoy them nowadays. However I think I will have to come to terms with the fact that s/he will also need to familiarise him/herself with the 'crap' that is being produced nowadays. The reason? They'll end up being social outcasts if they are not up to date with it all. It would pretty much be a Parental Imposed Handicap - and I really don't wish to do that to him/her. Especially since it will probably already be hard enough getting through to others without their prejudice against me appearance-wise becoming an obstacle. Well, not the children anyway - they tend to be pretty amused by my being colourful and shiny - it mainly would be the parents. Having said that, I look very much forward to see how it will all be playing out hen it comes to parents interacting with myself in an environment where they cannot do otherwise. *insert evil laughter here*
Thanks to the Internet culture that is thriving in this day and age though, being familiar with the 80s and 90s is still a must. How else would you get certain puns and memes? Not sure what I'm on about? Clicky here.
