Cut my life into pieces - This is my last resort

As those of you who follow the blog know, Morgan was born via C-Section. It wasn't planned that way - I actually had every intention of attempting natural birth - free of painkillers, even! Alas it was not meant to be.
I covered the details of the operation itself in a previous entry. What I wished to emphasise today is that a C-Section is not something to be taken lightly. A lot of people seem to think of it as a quick fix, or an easy way out. The truth is - a C-Section is MAJOR surgery. One with side-effects that can last until the day you die.

The side-effects I speak of are namely scar tissue, and nerve damage. It has been just over a week since I've been sliced and diced, and my incision feels numb. The numbness starts from just above my belly button, and extends halfway down to my pubic mound. It makes for a very peculiar sensation - almost as if you're wearing something that is too tight which is blocking your circulation. From what I read, the numbness lasts anywhere between a few months, and the day you die. When you're cut open, nerves are cut through too. This causes damages to them that can be beyond repair.

Although from the outside, the scar itself is looking neat, I can feel scar tissue building up on the inside, and this makes it more uncomfortable for me.

I have complained about the lack of independence you have to deal with when you're pregnant in another post, however C-Section recovery is even worse. How? Well.. I have been instructed not to carry anything heavier than Morgan. For about 6 weeks post-operation. She weighs just over 3kg. This means that strictly speaking I should not be carrying a couple of 2 litre water bottles - a restriction I find both ridiculous and extremely irking. I also am to avoid going up and down stairs. Good thing I live on ground floor.

Getting sewn up takes longer than having your baby cut out of your womb does. This means that whereas those who give birth naturally can potentially spend time with their newborn straight away, with a C-Section, you can't. Baby is taken away from you to be seen by the paediatrician and weighed and cleaned up and dressed. This, whilst they sew you up.

Then there is the fact that your guts are handled. Following the operation, there may be numerous issues related to your bowels. The chances of bowel injuries put aside, some women find it painful to poop, suffer constipation, or diarrhoea. This may be temporary, but it might also be long-term.

This link highlights in more detail what the risks are, and gives you links on how to prepare yourself for a C-Section and what not.

If you attend Prenatal Classes, make sure you attend both the sessions about Natural Birth, as well as the C-section. You never know what might happen - my case is a typical example.

Also, inform yourself before going for an Elective C-Section. The pain of natural childbirth might be more desirable to you once you get all your facts and figures.

Regardless of what birthing method you go for, ensure you have plenty of support available to you for the weeks following the birth. You will need every tiny bit of help thrown your way. Do your best not to over-exert yourself or you might suffer its repercussions in the long run.

Now, onto the personal updates which I'm sure a good number of you are wanting. Morgan is enjoying using me as her furniture (see photo) still, and I love it. Having her sleep on top of me is comforting for both. After spending 9 months sharing my body, being in such close proximity decreases any separation anxiety ewe might go through otherwise. She saved a Mega Nappy for my sis today - uber-poopy AND pissy, only to pee on my sister's finger whilst cleaning her up. I found it hilarious!

 Mama' mattress!

She also got given yet another load of pink clothes. Cute warm clothes which I will have to come up with clever combos to balance out the pink overdose. I blame the shops, not the people. Damn shops stock up on too much pink, blue and white, and little else.

Off to snooze with my little Fairy now!

A Date with Destiny

Today will be one hell of a long day.  After managing to grab 4 hours' worth of sleep, I'm trying to convince myself I should take it easy and not do much, since I have a good 7 to 8 hours away from home later on.  My poor back will be the one to suffer the most I'm afraid!


So, today will involve a doctor's appointment, which might very well be the last one - who knows?  This will then be followed by another Prenatal class.

The thought that this might be the last time I see Creature on the ultrasound machine's monitor is sad, exciting, unnerving and extremely pleasant at the same time.  Our next encounter might very well be a face-to-face meeting!


Imagine you've been set up for a blind date with the one person you know is The One, by the most amazing of circumstances.  However the date was agreed to happen in 9 months' time.  In the meanwhile, you haven't had any direct contact with your Date.  You've had people telling you things about him/her, you've done your research based on the information given to you, as well as some research based on "what if" scenarios.

You've finally gained quite a bit of theoretical confidence - on paper, you know all there is to know for this Blind Date to be successful.  You know that you've taken care of everything within your power to ensure it works out.  And yet, you're aware that not everything is within your power - there may be external influences that determine how well the evening will turn out.

"What if s/he doesn't like me?"

That, is probably the biggest fear of them all.  Can you feel the butterflies fluttering about in your stomach? The sweaty palms of your hands, the threat hanging over your head that your voice might break up or that you'll say the right thing at the wrong time - or the wrong thing at the right time.

Now picture this - you arrive at the agreed location to meet your date..... but you're early.  How do you feel? Nerve wrecking, isn't it?


Now... amplify all that nervousness, uncertainty, doubts, anticipation, excitement..... amplify it all by a gazillion times.

You are still nowhere close enough to understanding what being so close to meeting Creature in person feels like.


As much as I truly appreciate the support people have been showing, and their confidence in my abilities to be a good mother - the judge of it all, at the end of the day, will be Creature.  For what might be the first time in my life, I actually care what someone else thinks of me. 


I'd like to make it clear that I'm not looking for any pity, nor am I fishing for compliments.  I'm just being honest in saying that being so close to the finishing line and making the transition from Pregnant Woman to Mother scares the living crap out of me. I don't believe it gets easier with time - human relationships rarely do... and I suck at them heh.  I can only hope that Creature and I will have compatible characters, and that when the day comes where we'll be arguing and s/he yells at me how much I suck as a mother and how much s/he hates me... well.. I hope that I will have done every possible thing within my power to be able to accept those words as bullshit spewed in anger.

Turn that frown upside down!

"Emo!!"

That's the first name you get called the moment you mention feeling depressed.  I'm guilty of picking on people in that way myself! Having said that, I pick on everyone.  If I don't pick on you, it must mean I don't remotely like you.

When it comes to Pregnancy, a well-known factor is that it brings on a hormonal tempest which can very easily screw with your head.  You'll be laughing one minute, crying the next.

It really isn't as bad as people make it out to be though.  Maybe it is because I'm the kind of person to avoid drama, but whenever I cried throughout the Pregnancy, it was justified - I'd have cried anyway, pregnant or not.

Most of you can probably see where I'm going with this.  You're partially right. I will be looking at Post-Natal Depression - but that won't be all.

First things first.

It does not matter what relationship you have with the Pregnant Woman - don't take anything she says/does personal.  Please remember that besides from physically feeling like crap all the time, we've got a lot of thoughts rushing through our heads that we have to try and rationalise, as well as crazy hormones all over the place.  Imagine your teenage years - and the first signs of puberty.... without the luxury of taking things so lightly.  Now combine that to a generic icky feeling, and an extremely amplified version of PMS. That pretty much sums it up.

Second of all, it is not just Post-Natal Depression we risk facing - it is Prenatal Depression too.

Prenatal Depression
Prenatal depression is usually caused by raging hormones, stress and emotions that a pregnant woman feels. This type of depression usually goes away after several weeks or months during pregnancy but in some cases, medical intervention might be required.  Severe cases may cause pregnancy complications like pre-term labour.

Why does Prenatal Depression occur?

• Pregnant women can feel depressed due to excessive financial concerns, their child's future and their parenting skills. 
• A difficult pregnancy can also lead to Prenatal Depression.  By difficulties, I'm referring to anything like really bad morning sickness to news about a possible problem with the baby. These can trigger the feeling of fear, unhappiness and not feeling well.  
• Stress is also a contributing factor.  Your working environment,for example, can be one of the triggers as can your relationship with other family members.
• Relationship issues with your partner can also help contribute to the depression or start the depression. 
•  A woman who has a family history of depression can/may experience Prenatal depression.
• If you had trouble getting pregnant, chances are you've been under a lot of stress. And if you've gone through multiple fertility procedures, you may still be dealing with the emotional side effects of months or even years of treatments and anxiety-laden waiting. On top of that, now that you're pregnant, it's not uncommon to be terrified of losing the baby you worked so hard to conceive. All of these make you more prone to depression.
• If you've miscarried or lost a baby in the past, it's no wonder you're worrying about the safety of this pregnancy. And if the loss was recent or if you've miscarried several times in the last year, you may not have had time to fully recover emotionally or physically. And as with fertility treatments, if you're dealing with health restrictions you're more vulnerable to depression and anxiety.
• Women who've survived emotional, sexual, physical, or verbal abuse may have low self-esteem, a sense of helplessness, or feelings of isolation — all of which contribute to a higher risk for depression. Pregnancy can trigger painful memories of your past abuse as you prepare for parenthood, and the loss of control over your changing body may mirror the helplessness you experienced when you were abused.
• Unexpected pregnancies, the prospects of Single Parenthood, being too young or too old-these can also be contributing factors.

Although prenatal depression is not life threatening, it is best to know how to recognise it, just in case it rears its ugly head.experiencing it. This will allow you the opportunity to prevent any complications to the unborn baby that can be caused by the depression. Here are some symptoms to look out for:

•  Unjustifiable anxiety 
• Excessive crying 
• Sleep problems 
• Unending fatigue 
• Appetite change 
• Loss of interest in normal activities 
• Doesn’t seem to care for the unborn child  

Be supportive of anyone you might identify a potential case of Prenatal Depression in. Let them know, gently, that there may be something more to their moodiness just than hormonal changes and to speak to their doctor to be on the safe side.

Postnatal Depression

Women who suffered from Prenatal Depression face a higher probability of suffering from Postnatal Depression. In fact, it is thought to be a 50/50 chance of this development occurring.  By seeking help to treat Prenatal Depression, you can minimise the chances of developing the infamous Baby Blues.

 

There are a number of things you can do to help reduce the chances of Postnatal Depression.  In this previous blog, I've covered a list of such things in fact.  

 

Early identification and intervention improves long term prognoses for most women. Some success with preemptive treatment has been found as well. A major part of prevention is being informed about the risk factors, and the medical community can play a key role in identifying and treating postnatal depression. Women should be screened by their doctor to determine their risk for acquiring postnatal depression. Also, proper exercise and nutrition appears to play a role in preventing postnatal, and general, depression.

Postnatal depression may lead mothers to be inconsistent with childcare. Women diagnosed with postnatal depression often focus more on the negative events of childcare, resulting in poor coping strategies.  There are four groups of coping methods, each divided into a different style of coping subgroups.

Four coping strategies:

• Avoidance coping is one of the most common strategies used. It consists of denial and behavioural disengagement subgroups (for example, an avoidant mother might not respond to her baby crying). This strategy however, does not resolve any problems and ends up negatively impacting the mother’s mood, similarly of the other coping strategies used.
• Problem-focused coping consists of active coping, planning, and positive reframing. This blog is an example of Problem-focused coping in action! [clicky for more in-depth info!]
• Support seeking coping involves seeking emotional support and instrumental support.
• Venting coping as the name implies,tends to involve venting and even a certain degree of self-blame.

Basically, the whole point of me writing all the above, is to help you realise that sometimes, putting off your emotional maelstrom down to "being hormonal" and doing nothing about it can cause more harm than anything else.  So, take care of yourself - otherwise you won't be able to take care of your child.