Today will be one hell of a long day. After managing to grab 4 hours' worth of sleep, I'm trying to convince myself I should take it easy and not do much, since I have a good 7 to 8 hours away from home later on. My poor back will be the one to suffer the most I'm afraid!
So, today will involve a doctor's appointment, which might very well be the last one - who knows? This will then be followed by another Prenatal class.
The thought that this might be the last time I see Creature on the ultrasound machine's monitor is sad, exciting, unnerving and extremely pleasant at the same time. Our next encounter might very well be a face-to-face meeting!
Imagine you've been set up for a blind date with the one person you know is The One, by the most amazing of circumstances. However the date was agreed to happen in 9 months' time. In the meanwhile, you haven't had any direct contact with your Date. You've had people telling you things about him/her, you've done your research based on the information given to you, as well as some research based on "what if" scenarios.
You've finally gained quite a bit of theoretical confidence - on paper, you know all there is to know for this Blind Date to be successful. You know that you've taken care of everything within your power to ensure it works out. And yet, you're aware that not everything is within your power - there may be external influences that determine how well the evening will turn out.
"What if s/he doesn't like me?"
That, is probably the biggest fear of them all. Can you feel the butterflies fluttering about in your stomach? The sweaty palms of your hands, the threat hanging over your head that your voice might break up or that you'll say the right thing at the wrong time - or the wrong thing at the right time.
Now picture this - you arrive at the agreed location to meet your date..... but you're early. How do you feel? Nerve wrecking, isn't it?
Now... amplify all that nervousness, uncertainty, doubts, anticipation, excitement..... amplify it all by a gazillion times.
You are still nowhere close enough to understanding what being so close to meeting Creature in person feels like.
As much as I truly appreciate the support people have been showing, and their confidence in my abilities to be a good mother - the judge of it all, at the end of the day, will be Creature. For what might be the first time in my life, I actually care what someone else thinks of me.
I'd like to make it clear that I'm not looking for any pity, nor am I fishing for compliments. I'm just being honest in saying that being so close to the finishing line and making the transition from Pregnant Woman to Mother scares the living crap out of me. I don't believe it gets easier with time - human relationships rarely do... and I suck at them heh. I can only hope that Creature and I will have compatible characters, and that when the day comes where we'll be arguing and s/he yells at me how much I suck as a mother and how much s/he hates me... well.. I hope that I will have done every possible thing within my power to be able to accept those words as bullshit spewed in anger.